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The Bald Spot

Here we go again: Carleton to require vaccination against Porch Plague

Researchers had been operating under the assumption that sleep deprivation, stress, and Bon Appetit eggs posed the most significant threat to the Carleton community’s health. Recently, however, a young hotshot virus hit the scene: The Porch House Viral Disease, or POVID-21.  The prevailing consensus among the scientific community is that…

Yakked and Under Fire

With the introduction of Yik-Yak onto campus, students without the app, mostly Android users, have been reduced to second-class citizens amongst the Yakkers. These Yakless students are being forced to either swallow their complaints about their neighbors’ extracurricular activities or to spit them out in the presence of others. Many…

Top 10 reasons the boys on my floor leave their doors open

They are… hoping for Lyman to return. hoping someone will give them decorating advice. hoping that with the slow-but-steady extension of their room into the hallway, no one will notice. tired of the smell of Burton deep-fried tofu. tired of people knocking on their door. (Easy fix: leave the door…

Alli-strology

This is, of course, your favorite Sagittarius and bestie, Allison, and I am here to tell you  that Mercury in Retrograde is *almost* over on October 17! On October 20, there is going be a really cool full moon in Aries! This is going to call in that assertive and…

*All-strology*

Hello besties, I am your favorite Sagittarius, Allison, and I am here to give you a week’s forecast. “Of weather?”No. I can’t help you there. I don’t know what a doppler is. But I do know about lunar and planetary transits!  And we have been in Mercury Retrograde since September…

Cows, Colleges, and… Clapping?

There’s a pandemic on campus, and it’s not the one you’re thinking of. It’s spreading like wildfire, and no mask or social distance could ever stop it. The sound is contagious, dangerous even, receding deep into the corners of Carleton students’ brains and hearts. The smacks of palms against one…

Carleton cryptids: The quarantined quarters

What’s up, pal-a-normals? It’s your “boo,” Paranormal Investigator in-Residence Sue Dounim. I’m your one-stop shop for what makes all the others drop: The spooky specters squirming around this haunted-as-hell heckhole. OG Cryptophiles, you probably noticed I changed up my writing style a little since last year. Short story shorter, I…

The goats are out…

illustrated by Sam Nelson I regret to inform the Carleton community of some bad news. The goats have escaped. Many times. On September 20, 2021, I received a call on the emergency goat line: “a herd of goats in a bean field”. Presumably just looking for an afternoon snack, these…