The movements of the stars are starting to get into a swing. We will be entering Pisces season this week, so be sure to give all your friends fishy kisses. Pisces naturally crave love and adoration, so be keen to notice your desires these next few weeks. Aries! It is…
The Bald Spot
Investigations conducted by our undercover reporters have revealed a behind-the-scenes strategic plan orchestrated by dining managers to shift the diets of Carleton students. The goal is to make all students amenable to eating tasteless slabs of sponge and considering such offerings a suitable meal. This is possibly to prepare them…
Although commonly known for their famous appearance in the movie “The Killer Shrews,” short-tailed and long-tailed shrews are not dangerous… to humans. With their thirty-two razor-sharp teeth and venomous neurotoxin, hunting insects, earthworms and even small mammals is possible. However, because of their extremely fast metabolic rate (their highest recorded…
Hello my loves, how are you? I am excited to share with you some knowledge from the stars. We have an amazingly tranquil week with no planets in retrograde. You may already have felt a calm setting in, but be ready for those feelings to be intensified with opportunity and…
It’s an age-old story: you arrive at college after winter break, bundled up and ready to start anew, when you realize you’ve forgotten to build up an immunity to dining hall food. Week after week, more innocent students keel over, seize in pain, and explosively shit in all directions, propelling…
Talking Without Saying Anything: How to answer discussion questions when you haven’t done the reading Getting to Class, Not Getting Frostbite: Secrets of the longest indoor route across campus in order to avoid snow The Wave-Shrug-No-Eye-Contact-Smile: Tips and tricks for the appropriate greeting when walking down a long hallway and…
NORTHFIELD, Minn. – A new study published Thursday in the “Journal of Animal Health and Production” has found that students attending Carleton College are more than seven times as likely as other students at comparable colleges to die of loneliness on Valentine’s Day. “It appears that the neurobiology, campus culture…
Carleton’s Arb houses a plethora of species. It is difficult — impossible really — to determine all of the species that inhabit the Arb. Many have been observed, but despite intensive searching, many can easily avoid detection. Some species may be difficult to find due to their biological characteristics. For…
Hello again! As Midterm Break approaches and we look forward to some large milestones, let us take a moment to rest. Welcome to Dawson’s Divination. I hope you are hitting the second half of this term in a good mindset. Many seniors are submitting first and final drafts of their…
Worried about the environment? Here are 14 safer alternatives to road salt. Road salt, or its scientific name, weird-ass fuckin’ blue shit, has a habit of seeping into the earth, contaminating groundwater and increasing salinity of surface water past safe levels for aquatic life and human consumption. For any Carletonian…