The Student Union Movie Association (SUMO) saw its budget slashed this year after the Carleton Student Association (CSA) deemed it “excessive.” In an attempt to reduce the ongoing budget deficit mentioned by CSA, the organization restructured SUMO to begin replacing films with “very good shadow puppet shows.” However, this move has sparked outrage, particularly due to the lack of shadow puppeteering expertise among the SUMO team. When the Carletonian reached out to SUMO for comment on this change and to inquire if they could produce a reasonably convincing shadow bird, the Carletonian received a disappointed look and a different kind of bird made with hands. 

Several students have responded to these budget changes with protest. A recent petition to replace CSA with an inanimate rock has garnered more than 1,800 signatures. In an effort to alleviate student resentment toward this change, CSA has decided to permit one show per term to be performed by a magician named Alvin the Average. Alvin, whose sole trick involves finding nickels and pennies behind audience members’ ears and asking for the change back, arrived at an interview with the Carletonian with the distinct sound of jingling change emanating from his pocket. When questioned about his act, Alvin remarked, “You get what you pay for. What do you expect from a guy named Alvin the Average?” Alvin’s website, which describes him as a magician/clown/amateur actuary, asserts that he is the ideal candidate for events such as parties, graduations, funerals, and weddings with a budget under $30 (or a free meal). Further investigation by the Carletonian revealed that Alvin has never been a licensed actuary and lacks any actuarial training.

The Carleton Shadow Puppet Guild, a club approved by CSA shortly after these budget cuts, has applauded these changes. “It provides an excellent opportunity for people to hone their skills in the noble profession of shadow puppetry,” stated a representative of the Guild, wearing a ‘CSA RULES’ shirt. A brief investigation by the Carletonian into Alvin the Average shows that he made a $1.25 donation to CSA in the days leading up to this budget change. It remains unclear whether Alvin will be compensated in food or spare change. The Carletonian will continue to report on puppet-gate as it unfolds.