I feel morally obligated to tell you at the very start of this article that this is not for people who want a relationship and are not in one. If you are in that situation, I have a one word guide for relationships at Carleton: don’t. Now if you are…
The Bald Spot
In 2020, it’s all about being bold. It’s time to shoot your shot, or so they say. Let’s be honest: it’s Valentine’s Day, and nothing is ever gonna happen between you and your crush unless you take matters into your own hands. So, here are a few options by which…
Dear Physical Education Teacher, Please excuse my son/daughter from missing sexy class yesterday. When Lewis Tomelson :$ awakened yesterday, I could see that his/her nose was hot. He/She also complained of *aches and having a sore Harry Styles, and I took him/her to the family god i just really love…
Reaching out I had so many chances to have you in my life, and I let you go without a second thought every single time. That was utterly ungrateful of me and I am sorry. I’ve learned to look past your flaws and appreciate you, and I realize only now…
Minnesota winters can be brutal. This is as true for many of the critters which inhabit the arb as it is for us Carleton students. One of the primary challenges that animals face during the winter is an increased threat of starvation. Cold temperatures necessitate that animals burn more fuel…
Realize how unhappy you are: Let’s face it, Carleton sucks. If you’re dumb enough to stay here all four years, you end up working your ass off for a degree from a school no one has heard of. You also miss out on real college parties and have to inhale…
What originated as a pathetic attempt to revive the glory days of Vine has flourished into a whirlwind epidemic, a procrastinator’s holy grail, and quite possibly the defining feature of the new decade. Is the complex boondoggle that is TikTok destroying us? What is the value of TikTok? An argument…
Today for the uhh (…) [Carletonian] I’m gonna be (…) endorsing uhh lemme see Pete Buttigieg. There’s been a (…) geez (…) lot going around about this fellow heh. I don’t know too much about politics but uhh lemme tell you I don’t trust this guy he’s a real rat.…
When you glance outside your dorm at the bleakness of Minnesota winter, your intuition will lead you to consider this a land utterly devoid of life. And yet, 35 native mammal species are inhabiting the frozen depths of the Arb as we speak. How do they do it? The smallest…
Carleton students are over-achievers and, apparently, can produce artistic masterpieces while procrastinating on social media. Last Thursday, all students and alums who had contributed to the Facebook page known as “Overheard at Carleton” received an email from the judging committee of the NPL (Navel Prize in Literature) notifying them of…