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The Bald Spot

US Government falls after nobody votes in presidential election

FiveThirtyEight forecasted that Joe Biden would win the presidency. Several mysterious pundits heralded a surprise Trump victory. Alas, no outlet, pundit, or model could have foretold the 2020 presidential election’s outcome.  At approximately 7:01 PM, every single state went gray after certifying their unanimous winner—no one. For the first time…

Bald Spot announcement: Jack Brown is concussed

Jack Brown What a clown He got concussed He lost our trust He’s now a Libertarian. Bald Spot Brain rot If not before Then surely henceforth. Then it’s official, now: We’re having a cow The Bald Spot’s lost its leftist lean It’s achieved a capitalist gleam: Arma virumque canō, Trōiae…

Arb Notes: Parsnips are forever — invasive species in the Arb

With winter weather finally on its way, many herbaceous invasive plant species in the Arboretum have died back, but the woody invaders remain. In the summertime, the Arb Crew works almost tirelessly to help eradicate invasive species in their prime to make the Arboretum ecosystem more diverse and safer for…

The magic of voting

A lot of people in this country don’t fully appreciate how great and cool our democracy is. Many people feel like voting does nothing because they’ve voted a few times and nothing about their material or financial condition has changed. That is wrong because the odds that the candidates will…

Amy Coney Barrett refuses to say whether she wants soup or salad

“You’re asking me to comment on a hypothetical, and I cannot characterize the facts in a hypothetical situation,” newly-confirmed Justice Amy Coney Barrett reportedly said to a waiter at a Washington, D.C. restaurant.  “Ma’am,” the waiter responded, “if you would like more information, our soup du jour is minestrone. You…

Trump wins Rice County by 69 votes

Incumbent President and Deutsche Bank all-time favorite Donald John Trump won the majority of ballots cast in Rice County for the 2020 general presidential election. DJT beat democratic challenger Joseph Robinette Biden by 69 votes. Both candidates received thousands of votes in Rice County, and the chances of the difference…

Breaking: Feds seize Hunter Biden’s DS

Mere days before millions of Americans go to cast their ballots in the 2020 presidential election, a new development threatens to shake up the race, as developments often do. FBI authorities recently seized an orange Nintendo DS thought to belong to longtime infant-consumer with satanic characteristics Hunter Biden. The device…

Where to Zoom? The Quest

For my first online lecture this fall, I sat at a picnic table on the Bald Spot. It was beautiful. I decided I had found the perfect place to Zoom. So the next time I sat there, I had high hopes—and that was certainly part of the problem. No sooner…