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The Carletonian

The Carletonian

The Carletonian

Finding a new Bald Spot Editor: An inside look at the mystical process

Last week, at the first Carletonian meeting of the term, things were thrown off course when it was revealed that the only editor for the Bald Spot had mysteriously disappeared. At first, the staff was in disarray — what if he was taken by the Arb goblin? Or trapped inside Willis? Worst of all, what if the CLAP got him? But when things settled down, a new question appeared: who would take the job? How could it possibly be determined? There could be no easy way to fill the most significant student position on campus. This was a serious matter. 

A couple of suggestions were made; holding a pitching contest, offering stand-up auditions for all interested, having a staff-wide election, and having Ally B pick a name out of a hat at random, but nothing quite clicked. And then suddenly, a voice spoke up, naturally hushing the masses: “What if we shave a small area off of each prospective editor’s head, to see who can best manage daily life with a bald spot for a week or so?” The crowd let out oohs and aahs, incredibly impressed. “Genius!” they said, “why didn’t we think of that sooner? Tabitha, how are you so smart?” Other commentators also mentioned how brave the anonymous suggestor of this solution was, given the incredible beauty and volume of their own hair.

Somebody ran off to grab a razor, the prospective editors formed a line (a line that went all the way around the first Myers lounge), and friends and family came from all over the world to witness this potentially life-changing moment. Rules were established, and carved on a stone tablet that was then carried down from Lilac Hill by Editor-in-Chief Becky Reinhold:

  1. All contestants must have a one-square-inch spot of baldness on their heads.
  2. Absolutely no hats, clip-in extensions or other disguises.
  3. Contestants must create an extravagant excuse whenever asked about their bald spot; gaslighting is acceptable if funny. 
  4. Contestants are forbidden from unnaturally enlarging their bald spot; all rooms will be searched. 
  5. Bribery and seduction of upper-level Carletonian staff is not permitted. 

Eventually, they ran out of space for rules, as the Carletonian budget only allowed room for one stone tablet. And with extensive ceremony, the position applicants were made bald (in one spot). Candles were lit. An audience of hundreds crowded into the incredibly atmospheric first Myers bathrooms. The contestants were then challenged with a number of extreme trials, including making dirty snowmen on the bald spot, pitching articles, hiding easter eggs in Nutting House, editing articles, and fighting one another in an unofficial ring made of broken chair wheels in Myers 120. When these challenges drew to a close, and the losers had been rushed to the hospital, a winner was crowned. They were honored with the title of section editor, and gifted a hair regrowth powder, as “the true bald spot was inside them all along.”

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