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The magic of voting

A lot of people in this country don’t fully appreciate how great and cool our democracy is. Many people feel like voting does nothing because they’ve voted a few times and nothing about their material or financial condition has changed. That is wrong because the odds that the candidates will…

Trump wins Rice County by 69 votes

Incumbent President and Deutsche Bank all-time favorite Donald John Trump won the majority of ballots cast in Rice County for the 2020 general presidential election. DJT beat democratic challenger Joseph Robinette Biden by 69 votes. Both candidates received thousands of votes in Rice County, and the chances of the difference…

Michel Gluecault

The Carletonian was granted exclusive access from the Foucault Estate to publish this 1982 transcript of Michel Foucault, on tape, discovering what glue is. The monologue is roughly translated below. Happy Glue Spot Day! Glue? Hah, ehh I hes never heard of such a thing… hon hon… One might have…

Glue: Trivia n’ Jokes

Trivia: What was the first bottle of glue? 😂 [LAUGHING_EMOJI] Who invented glue? 😏 [SUGGESTIVE_EMOJI] What was the first glue company? 😺 [SUGGESTIVE_DOG_EMOJI] After whom is glue named? 😜 [BOO_HAHA_EMOJI] Why choose glue over, say, tape? 🤓 [NERD_EMOJI] Why must you never utter a Bad Thing about glue out loud…

Sacrifice at the Altar of a Cat-God: A Bataillean Critique of “But Still, He Is Doing It: An Exegetical Look at the Garfield Comix” by Nicole Collins

My main point of contestation with Nicole is whether or not Garfield is actually doing something to make the world a more equal place, and resist Capitalism. While certainly not conventional, Garfield does represent a form of resistance. While the human characters engage in the act of production in either…

Costume Idea! Scaring the CSA this Halloween

Obviously you haven’t been inside the local Target since arriving on campus since that would mean breaking the covenant, but we can only assume it is already fully decorated for Halloween, the 2nd largest marketing holiday besides my birthday. After pouring over the mobile app so that I can do…

Departments adapt to online learning

Carleton is turning into University of Phoenix (except without the whole subsidy abuse scheme), and for some classes that won’t be too bad. For others, though it’s gonna be a bit of a challenge to move the classroom from Northfield, Minn. to the cyberspace. Here are how some departments are…

Now is not the time for satire

Earlier this morning, the FCC issued an official statement in regards to the recent outbreak: “I don’t think satire is the way to go rn.” Many experts have criticized this decision as far too late considering recent news. These experts claim that things have not been good for a long…

Censorship is an issue

I feel obligated to tell all of the readers that the bald spot sucks. Now I realized this when I realized that everything is relative. Relative to SNL, we’re pretty funny. Relative to Jeff Dunham, we’re pretty funny. Relative to the cringey comedy groups on campus, we’re very funny. There…

Carleton Premium™

Carleton has recently announced Carleton premiumTM, a new kind of College experience. Here are some of the elements of Carleton Premium: ◉ Edible Dining hall food ◉ Access to SHAC counselors more than once a term ◉ Sex ◉ The permission to swear on KRLX ◉ SWA dogs ◉ No…