Carleton College's student newspaper since 1877

The Carletonian

The Carletonian

The Carletonian

Admin suspected of telepathically harassing students who are not prepared to move out

Have you been having nightmares about moving out or even back in? Do you see that pile of chargers in the corner of the room every time you close your eyes? Do you jerk out of bed in the middle of the night, just remembering that one mug you haven’t packed yet? Well, maybe it’s anxiety, or maybe it’s subliminal messaging from Carleton’s administration. 

It’s no secret around campus that a certain Dean has an incredible capacity for telepathic communication. Over the years, there have been cases of her using it to plant dreams, intrusive thoughts and even hallucinations in order to get students to go to Convocation, buy into horrific scams presented as meal plans and fill vacancies in undesirable houses. However, given the number of years since the last reported incident, and the historic 2021 Carleton Student Association (CSA) resolution against the administration using telepathy on students, I was deeply surprised to wake up this morning from a dream where an ambiguous disembodied voice explained to me that I was being punished for having too much stuff as she forcibly prohibited me from packing many of my valuable personal items. I would reach for something of value, to put it in one of my storage boxes — which had ample space — only to have my arm stopped by some strange force. Finally, due to the timing of my bus and flight, I had to leave my dorm with only my suitcase and backpack, never to see my posters, laundry basket or Polaroids of my friends ever again.

The moment I woke up, I knew it was not some random coincidental dream — someone had put it in my head. After a handful of very angry emails, sent specifically through messages in the clouds, my suspicions were confirmed. It appears that due to an angry population of various insects that have taken up residence in the Myers and Watson storage areas, the college was surprised to realize it did not have sufficient space to accommodate everyone’s stuff. This issue was compounded by two freshmen and one sophomore who between themselves seemed to have taken up half of the remaining space. While it is understandable that this would be an extremely stressful position for the administration, it remains totally unacceptable to telepathically manipulate students into throwing their possessions away. 

Not only that, but the imprecision of my dream raised several concerns regarding the irresponsibility of telepathically capable administrators. It wasn’t just that I was being forced to leave behind clothes and yarn; in the dream, I was indiscriminately stopped from taking random frivolous items and necessary daily medication. This sort of negligence is careless and irresponsible and does not align with the college’s values. 

I believe that due to the violation of several major handbook rules by the administration, Carleton College should be held financially responsible for providing top-tier dream insurance to every student through Bon Appe-Nuit. The potentially deeply harmful effects of telepathic manipulation, both to students’ property and students’ grasp on reality, are not risks one should have to take in order to pursue an undergraduate degree at this institution.

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