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The Carletonian

The Carletonian

The Carletonian

The magic of voting


A lot of people in this country don’t fully appreciate how great and cool our democracy is. Many people feel like voting does nothing because they’ve voted a few times and nothing about their material or financial condition has changed. That is wrong because the odds that the candidates will have the exact same effect on the country is pretty much zero because it follows a continuous distribution of lives ruined. 

If you want something, just vote for it. You’re not a billionaire because you didn’t vote. Let’s talk about the issues: people want many things, a beautiful partner, a fancy car, rare Pokémon cards or other stuff, but they don’t vote for it. Votes are like magical beans, you have to vote to get what you want, and you have to water the beans with more votes to get what you want.

Voting this year has never been easier; in fact, mailing in a ballot or going anywhere to vote is absolutely useless and risks spreading SARS/Zika. All you have to do to cast your ballot in the 2020 general election is text your vote to 1-800-USA-VOTE. It’s super easy. In fact, if you are scared of spreading internet viruses by texting what could very well be a Russian bot, you can just manifest your vote. Just think about your vote while sitting by some plants and a candle. If you need confirmation that your vote gets counted, you can write it down on paper, and if the paper burns that means your vote worked. I should mention that doing either of these things automatically enrolls you to be in a raffle for a chance to go to heaven and meet Ruth Bader Ginsburg or win a new Jeep.

Our democracy is a little bit ~freaky~ in that we do a little something called the Electoral College. How does this work? What does this mean for my vote? Well, if you’ve ever seen the sorting hat scene from the Harry Potter movie, it’s a little something like that, and that’s all you really need to know. Hopefully that sticks like good glue.

Not everyone can vote, I get that. If you can’t vote you should still engage in public forums such as the classroom, everyday conversation and Twitter. No matter what, you should be fighting in the culture war, no excuses. A great way to make a change is volunteering to make postcards, or do phone banking for a candidate you like. However if your time is worth that little, I recommend selling something else like your body. With the Internet it’s never been easier to sell your body to willing and anxious body consumers like closeted Republicans, lonely old men or the military.

Vote or Die!

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