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The Carletonian

The Carletonian

The Carletonian

Students shocked by information about unorthodox psychology experiments

The Carletonian was shocked to receive a disturbing anonymous tip about some proposed changes to the introductory psychology class at Carleton late on Monday night. The student, who seemed frantic to the point of delirium, sent an email concerning the recent addition of a lab component to Principles of Psychology. The email alleged that the lab was a front, and that participating students would actually be subject to experimentation themselves, including some relatively invasive treatments. It was almost easy to disregard this email, as the student’s only comment on where they gained this information was “it came to me in a dream.” 


In fact, we were more than ready to laugh the email off when a psychology professor reached out to comment, totally unprompted. This email was panicked, unnecessary and aggressive in how it asked students not to worry, reminded us about all the requirements the psychology with a lab offering would fulfill and mentioned that any experimentation on students would be for a good cause. 


When asked for further comment and explanation, the anonymous prophet explained how the psychology department had plans to implant metal rod/antenna mechanisms into the heads of their students, with goals of studying brain activity during different conversations as well as mind control. Once these rods were secured, the prophet explained how the students would be transported to a simulation of life on Mars, and forced to see how long they could go and whether the environment would be appropriate for more of humanity, such as the rest of Carleton’s psychology faculty. This individual also took the time to note that any similarities between the intended action of the psychology lab and the plot of Kurt Vonnegut’s “The Sirens of Titan” are purely coincidental.


After this, while the psychology faculty did not respond to further requests for comment, a small number of psychology majors who had taken the previous iteration of the principles course reached out. One, who is currently living in witness protection in NYC’s East Village, mentioned that the mind control antenna project had been quietly being tested by the psychology department for a number of years. In fact, the class of 2023 graduate mentioned that he had briefly had such a rod installed, but the surgery had not gone as planned as the psychologists had allegedly found “nothing to hold onto” in his brain. This student double majored in political science, which may or may not be a related issue. 


A final conversation with the individual whose dream started this whole thing did not assuage any worries, unfortunately. They seemed convinced that the psychology department was utterly evil, on the brink of destroying free will and also making people sleep in Burton dining hall for some reason. However, as their tales of their dreams went on, it became terrifyingly apparent that the individual had absolutely no psychological talent or knowledge, and had simply coincidentally had a random dream completely accurately foreshadowing the end of the world. While the Carletonian cannot truly confirm any negative intentions, we want to make a minute to recommend that our dearest readers skip principles of psychology for the time being.

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