Carleton is turning into University of Phoenix (except without the whole subsidy abuse scheme), and for some classes that won’t be too bad. For others, though it’s gonna be a bit of a challenge to move the classroom from Northfield, Minn. to the cyberspace. Here are how some departments are adapting.

• POSC classes will greatly improve as profs will now have the ability mute white men.
• CAMS profs are learning how to use the video features of their smartphones.
• DANC is consulting Synchrony directors on how to teach dances over Youtube Live.
• CS profs are trying to see if they can legally mine bitcoin using their students’ laptops.
• AMST being online has somehow made it slightly less of a thing.
• SOAN is no different than AMST, nor was it ever.
• ARTS is providing free onlyfans subscriptions so students can look at live nude models.
• ECON is still having a meltdown over the stock market.
• PHYS profs are asking students to film themselves struggling for their sadistic desires.
• BIOL is now offering refresher courses on immunology.