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Breaking: Feds seize Hunter Biden’s DS

Mere days before millions of Americans go to cast their ballots in the 2020 presidential election, a new development threatens to shake up the race, as developments often do. FBI authorities recently seized an orange Nintendo DS thought to belong to longtime infant-consumer with satanic characteristics Hunter Biden. The device…

Life hack: five ways to use glue besides sticking things together

Everybody knows that glue can be used as an adhesive or to increase the altogether stickiness of any object or surface, excluding glue itself. In fact, attentive readers will note that in the word “glue,” the letters G, L, U, and E are particularly close together, almost as if they…

BREAKING: Audio of Trump Telling Melania He Has COVID-19

On the morning of October 2, 2020, President Donald Trump revealed to the nation that he had recently tested positive for COVID-19. The Bald Spot somehow managed to obtain exclusive audio footage of the President initially revealing the diagnosis to his wife, the First Lady. Read on for an excerpt…

Grades in a pandemic? Not so fresh, man

I’m a freshman. Perhaps aggressively so. I have never been to the Lower Arb. I’ve gotten lost in Anderson three times, two of which were on the same day. And I still find myself mystified by the vast breadth of pastries I see spread out before me at every mealtime.…

Carleton Puritans unveil “@CarlsRepress” Instagram account

The recently-launched @CarlsConfess Instagram page has granted Carleton students—and possibly some masquerading St. Olaf students—a pulpit from which to bare their best-kept secrets under the pretense of complete anonymity. In practice, this means that the internet now has access to a digital library of dubious collegiate sex stories set in…

OCS trip to Dundas gains popularity

Its population is 1,367. It was once the milling capital of a specific portion of the midwest. And now, a sudden surge of interest has reintroduced Dundas, Minnesota to the world—as Carleton students’ preferred off-campus study site.  “We are absolutely thrilled to see the storied burg of Dundas finally clinch…