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The Carletonian

The Carletonian

The Carletonian

Zoom 2 planned to release next pandemic


Nothing is sacred anymore.

On Thursday, Zoom Video Communications, Inc. CEO Eric Yuan addressed a group of shareholders at what was ironically an in-person meeting. The Bald Spot has not been informed as to what actually goes on at a shareholders’ meeting, but, as journalists, we are obligated to publish especially that which we do not understand. Read on for a transcript of the key points of Yuan’s address.

“When I first unveiled Zoom back in 2011 (yes, we have been around that long), my meeting room looked more like a garage, a dream, and behind that garage, several mansions. We are now proud to report that Zoom Video Communications has outpaced even Facebook at replacing face-to-face interaction. We thank those who used our service before 2020—both of you have been excellent clients. But now, as it seems the COVID-19 pandemic could potentially end, we here at Zoom are looking to the future.

“Our creative vision never was just a video conferencing service. In fact, our pursuit of Zoom’s message led us all over. We were in talks with Sony Pictures Animation about a charming new post-pandemic feature film with a tie-in McDonald’s meal. However, after much eye-straining deliberation, Zoom Video Communications, Inc. has decided the best way to maintain Zoom’s constant presence in our lives is with a sequel. Read on for Zoom 2—stylized as 2OOM—’s key features.

“Roomier Zooms: Yo dawg, we heard you like breakout rooms. So we put breakout rooms IN your breakout rooms! One layer of rooms often isn’t enough for the complex and multifaceted discussions that take place in Zoom classes. Now, turn your classroom or meeting into a veritable hotel of possibilities! Better stay on top of things, though—if you’re in a breakout room’s breakout room and the room you came from closes, there’s no getting out…”

“Getting Brainy:  Zoom Video Communications, Inc. recognizes the mental strain those who improperly use our technologies consciously put upon themselves. That’s why 2OOM doesn’t just tell you when your connection is unstable—it tells you when you’re MENTALLY unstable, too! You may choose to share your neuroimage data with the meeting administrator, or keep it to yourself, Google, Amazon, and various governments. Zoom Neuron Scanner sold separately.”

“Zoompostor Mode: Zoom fatigue making you want to ‘vent’? You’re wrong to feel that way, but we’ll help ‘sus’ out a solution with the new Zoompostor mode! At the beginning of every call, one participant will be designated the Zoompostor. They can sabotage other participants by unmuting them or starting their video—or even ‘kill’ them by booting them from the call! We found it too disruptive to include any method of voting the Zoompostor out, but teachers, take note: If your students are faking their tasks, teach them a valuable lesson by making yourself the Zoompostor. Now we’ll see who’s the star pupil among us!”

“Story Mode: Have you ever watched a Zoom play and wanted more? We’ve cut out the middleman with Zoomlander, the all new role-playing story campaign that comes prepackaged with Zoom 2! Join plucky hero Zoobert as he journeys across the kingdom of Meetyng-roome to rescue princess Zoomia! Our hero’s spectacular swashbuckling can only go so far. It’ll be your fast talking and facial expressions that ultimately defeat the sickness-breathing dragon Fawchi and bring peace to the land.”

“As the original Zoom has not yet run its course, we’ve seen fit to withhold distribution of Zoom 2 until the next global pandemic. When will that be? Well, it won’t be today. It probably won’t be tomorrow. But it will happen. It will shut everything down again. The anti-mask movement will be even stronger. But by then, technology will have advanced even more. That’s why we at Zoom Video Communications are certain that Zoom 2 spreads across the world faster than a speeding virus, it’ll have these and countless more features. With Zoom 2, you’ll never feel more connected.”

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