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The Carletonian

The Carletonian

Here’s why Trump is good now and you should like him

We will begin this week’s article with a recap of last week’s events, when the Bald Spot uncovered what may be one of the greatest political developments since a few days ago.  

Former President Donald J. Trump recently observed social distancing regulations by staying away from Joe Biden’s inauguration. We properly concluded that Trump is now a good person and ought to be recognized as such. 

We did not receive any hate mail after publishing that story, which makes it substantially more difficult to take an indignant tone in this one. But if you are a hater who perhaps eschews the postal service, know that you are about to be proven wrong. The Bald Spot has acquired exclusive evidence of Donald Trump’s redemption,

Visitors to Trump’s Mar-a-Lago club in Florida last Monday night may have noticed the trucks outside. In fact, visitors to its 50-mile radius would have noticed the trucks, as there were a great many. And they were going, not coming, disemboweling the luxurious presidential retreat load by load. 

Our speculation team contemplated at length as to why Mr. Trump’s possessions were carried away by truck. The issue daunted us: Under what circumstances would a businessman’s possessions be seized? Certainly no economic or legal construction could possibly compel him to allow such a thing. After much thought, however, we came to the only plausible conclusion. Donald Trump is, in fact, giving away all that he owns, because he has renounced material life. In other words, he has followed in age-old footsteps by becoming an ascetic. 

It is said of the new Trump that he spends his days contemplating the burdens of post-presidential monasticism. He likely feels a great deal of remorse for the harsh words that flared in the garish tapestry that was his last 74 years of life. Thus, we imagine he has committed to raising a white dove for every tweet. 

This is the most important campaign Trump has ever been a part of, and he is not alone in it. He has taken four of his five children as his disciples (one was not asked to come along). Before dawn, they wake to contemplate scripture; in the morning, they do not eat breakfast but give their food to the doves. The neighbors report experiencing warm sensations and expedited crop growth when the Trumps come together for their midday chorus of the Village People’s “YMCA.” But the family’s greatest miracles come in the evening, when the family receives downtrodden individuals to heal. 

One such individual was Rudy Giuliani. 

Trump, upon receiving the sunken man, spoke not a word, but placed his sacred hand upon the wrinkled pate, recognizing immediately a third presence in the room with them. “You, my ill-fated brother, have been beset by a demon,” he intoned, “and it is a bad demon, one which is as devilish as any demon that there has ever been. But you need not concede; indeed, you shalt never concede, for is it not written in The Art of The Deal: ‘When people treat me badly, my general attitude, all my life, has been to fight back very hard?” And Trump removed his hand without another word, and the men rose.

A tear-streaked Giuliani later told us, “I have no memory of anything I’ve been doing for the past 30 years,” thus confirming Trump’s newfound power.

We look forward to giving Trump the unbiased favorable coverage all post-presidents warrant. For while Donald Trump’s presidency—like those of his predecessors and surely his successors—had its fair share of embarrassing gaffes and political missteps, the man himself is good.

One might go so far as to say he is tremendous.

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