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The Carletonian

The Carletonian

Why did Trump skip Biden’s inauguration? Social distancing.

Last Wednesday, millions of Americans watched as Former Vice President Joseph R. Biden Jr. defied the prophecies of QAnon himself on the national stage and became Current President Joseph R. Biden Jr. The last president was noticeably absent from the crowd, however, as Donald Trump followed the lead of Andrew Johnson by electing not to celebrate the winner of the election.

Of course, the American people have known of Trump’s plan to forgo the inauguration for several weeks. But the biased Mainstream Media has committed an unfortunate error in merely reporting this development. Here in the politics part of the Bald Spot, we go further than facts. We speculate at length on the issues that matter to you, the reader. That same rigorous speculation has led us to the conclusion that Trump skipped Biden’s inauguration for purposes of social distancing. 

Readers may find it unlikely that President Trump has chosen to socially distance. Yet Trump has always been adamant about CDC regulations one way or another. He has taken position after position on the matter. Is it really so inconceivable that one of those positions lands on positivity? Perhaps to the Mainstream Media, it would be—but we are not them. Visualize, if you will, how Trump might have made the announcement to his supporters. Hear his voice and you will understand.

“Now Sleepy Joe, he was thinking about having a big inauguration party. It’s absolutely ridiculous what they’re doing. He wants a big crowd, millions and millions—and frankly, I don’t think he could ever get that many people unless he’s playing games, but that’s okay—and he wants them all crowded together, crowded together in that tiny square. I look at that little square and it’s unbelievable how tiny it is. You can’t do that. You can’t. You have a tremendous—you’ll have germs like nobody’s ever seen. So I said ‘Are they wearing masks? Are they staying six feet apart, as recommended, by the way, by the very great people of the CDC?’ But they said ‘No, sir, no masks, no social distancing, no nothing.’ And I looked at them and I said ‘I want to go, I really do, but what the hell do they think they’re doing?’ We’ve got the worst virus there’s ever been. I don’t want COVID-19, they call it and I’m not giving it to our First Lady, okay?” 

Now there can be no doubt that the former President has turned over a new leaf. This is no 31/32 life crisis: The bombastic Donald Trump of yesteryear is no more. He has metamorphosed into a man who drinks daily from the goblet of altruism. Much like a certain other irregularly-hued pop culture figure, his heart has grown three sizes. Perhaps he will toss breadcrumbs to the herons behind Mar-a-Lago or reclaim his Twitter account as a minion meme page. While we cannot yet explain this sudden surge of character development, we at the Bald Spot look forward to observing the changed man from afar. Because while not everyone deserves a second term, everyone deserves a second chance.

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