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Drink of Champions

Does it feel as though you are emotionally and/or mentally limping rather than valiantly striding into finals week? Have you resigned yourself to taking notes for all your classes in the same single-subject notebook? Do you find yourself calculating the lowest grade needed on the final to pass your class rather than calculating homework problems? Have you asked someone to repeat themselves, not because you didn’t hear them, but because your brain wasn’t fully powered on?

Then please, heed this PSA and try the infamous Drink of Champions!

Unlocking this is the key to unparalleled success you’ve been waiting for. Often heralded as the “elixir of life,” this drink promises to solve life’s greatest mysteries, resolve all your problems, and might even grant you a good night’s sleep (no promises for that last one though, I don’t want to be too far-fetched here). 

I can already hear you, dear reader, for the Drink of Champions is known to provide clairvoyant abilities, begging me on your hands and knees for the recipe of such a brilliant beverage. I can tell you’re brave to have made it to ninth week of Spring Term, and I’m in a good mood since I just had a cup of DoC myself.Here, I offer you the following priceless instructions.

Step 1—In a cup, combine:

½ Mountain Dew 

½ Powerade (of the blue variety, this is very important!)

Step 2—Consume. 

Your life will never be the same.

Side note: you may notice the wonderful coloration of this concoction as it is of a dazzling viridescent hue not often found on this planet. While this may lead you to imagine — with both fear and reverence as is customary when pondering the divine — what such a substance does to your insides, I promise its effects are unimaginable for your human brain and urge you to simply embrace the journey. Enjoy with caution!

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