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Single-Platform CSA Candidacy

Dear Carleton Community,

I’m here to introduce myself to you as a candidate for president of the CSA next year. I’m running on a single-issue platform. Carleton bathrooms need better toilet paper. You may be asking yourself, how can someone run on a single issue platform? This is a fair question, but I assure you that when you try the certainly not singular ply of the toilet paper I plan to implement, you won’t have any more questions. If you are not convinced to vote for me, “Four Ply” Fred, here are some additional reasons.

  1. Multi-ply paper is a gender neutral investment that will benefit all people
  2. More ply means less wipes, increasing the efficiency of each piece, saving paper and thus, the environment
  3. Increased productivity
    a. No more fidgeting around in your chair because you used industrial strength sandpaper to wipe your sensitive parts
    b. Have to go while you’re in the library? Instead of going all the way home to use that Charmin ultra-soft you and your roommates bought, you can stay in the library and keep working
    c. Increased woodshop productivity—without facilities stealing all of the sandpaper from the woodshop, they will finally be able to finish all of their projects I believe, nay, I know, that I am the right candidate for this race. Don’t #ActivateCarleton, instead #WipeTheWeitz, #BidetTheBaldspot, and #SmearAwaySayles

See you at the polls.
Four Ply Fred.

#CharminForAll

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