As finals approach, Carleton students are working tirelessly to prepare for exams and finish their lengthy essays. Many on campus are running on little to no sleep, relying on obscene quantities of coffee to keep themselves awake. Despite what students think, however, they cannot burn the candle on both ends forever. Carls must eventually cave into their humanity and take a power nap.
This is prime harvest time for the Shlept at Carleton Instagram page. For those who have been living under a rock, Shlept at Carleton is an instagram dedicated to photographing students who fall asleep in places other than their room. Candid photos of students curled up on sofas in Sayles or drooling on their laptops in the library are published weekly on the page. Some view it as a rite of passage to be featured, an honor bestowed only to those worthy and sleepy enough. Who wouldn’t want their non-consensual picture taken while they’re unconscious?
Unfortunately, on 9th Monday, the group posted a photo of a student who was taking an eternal study break. The photographer, whose name has not been disclosed for privacy reasons, posted an apology statement on Instagram.
“I am so sorry to everyone. I had no idea that the student had passed away, they just looked so peaceful. In my defense, everyone looks a little dead during finals. My only regret is that I didn’t notice the student hadn’t moved for three days”
Coroner reports reveal that exhaustion was the cause of death, which surprised exactly zero people on campus. The school is now forcing students to take a mandatory nap during Common Time in response to the incident. The Great Hall will be fully stocked with sleeping bags, pillows, melatonin, eye masks, and ear plugs for the campus-wide siesta. Posters with information about healthy sleep habits are being placed in strategic locations as another attempt to curtail the epidemic.