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The Carletonian

The Carletonian

The Carletonian

Carleton College – an alternate universe(ity)

This week, Carleton students were privy to the beautiful Northern Lights, an uncommon phenomenon. Many students gathered behind the Goodsell Observatory or the Hill of Three Oaks to witness the lights. However, after Friday evening, those who witnessed the lights returned… different.


Students woke up as residents of Carlton College, which is basically just Carleton College without the “e.” It’s the version of the school featured in the subtitles of Academy Award winning film “Whiplash.” Besides missing a vowel, there are other minor, notable differences between the colleges.


For one, the president, Allison Beverly, announced a new admissions process that considers  students of all species. The attic of Nutting House is home to the school’s cohort of squirrels, and is particularly well known for its “sick ragers,” according to one freshman, Zeo Rutgers. It is Carlton’s first fraternity (and it’s co-ed!). The squirrels, it should also be noted, have another daunting tradition, celebrated all around Carlton’s campus, referred to as “All Nut November.”


Beverly refused to comment on the event, but disclosed how proud she is that Carlton is home to such “beautiful and diverse cultures.”


The “Engl-ish” department is also rather unique compared to our own. For example, its most popular course listings are “Writing Crack-Ship Fanfiction,” “The Art of Colleen Hoover” and “Chaucer.” Other popular areas of study for students include “Bungee Jumping,” “Mega-economics,” “Sex Studies,” “Political Science” and “Chilling.”


In fact, there are a handful of similarities between the colleges. For example, Carlton also has Sproncert. Except this year’s headliners — yes, Carls Seriously Abstinent (CSA) pooled together enough for a double headliner — are the newly popular Chappell Roan and the voice actors of the hit show, “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.” 


Their Sproncert will feature a collaboration between the artists. Famous masterpieces will undoubtedly be performed such as “HOT TO GO!” and “This Day Aria.” The artists even teased a collaboration on the track “Pink Pony Club,” which would both debut and be recorded live at Sproncert. The decision is unanimously appreciated by the Lesbians of Carlton, whose Vice President, Cecelia Salmondani ’26, imploded upon hearing the news.


Similarly, the campus features other familiar favorites, such as the chapel and the completely beloved Carltoenian. Isaack Ofsky ’27, a Demonic Studies major and future chaplain’s associate (no matter what world he’s in), appreciates the welcoming nature of the chapel. “It is great to see a place for religious atheists, furries and Pastafarians at the center of a prestigious campus,” he said. Ofsky is also an editor with the Carltoenian, and said that the paper’s competitive atmosphere makes for a really interesting approach to campus news.


Reporters are frequently seen throwing each other in front of buses, selling foot pics or committing minor arson just for the sake of a good scoop. Even more frequently, the paper is known to publish the truth (sometimes), extrapolating on interviews and smearing each other’s  good names. They also frequently publish Receding Hairlines — their version of the Bald Spot — in the news section, with no markings to indicate the satirical nature of it.


Wrecky Beinhold ’25, who requested to remain anonymous, said, “I’ve never read a paper like the ’Toenian before. I hear it’s even on the Pulitzer Prize shortlist for journalism.”


Instead of Frisbee, these Carls prefer skin-to-skin wrestling, recreational waterboarding and reading Chaucer in their spare time. Other staples of Carl culture are: “Having admin listen to you,” according to junior Maxter Beyer, and “Balls. Just tennis balls.”


One squirrel, who was definitely not a diversity interview (or admit), named Jimothy Pecan stated: “Nuts, too. Don’t forget the nuts — DEEZ NUTS!” (He majors in Sex Studies and Botany.) Though he made a point in telling the Carltoenian that BeaverFest was a “callous and blasé misrepresentation of rodent values and culture, and featured hate speech and slurs not used in the last century.” He has promised to stage a coup, which is surprisingly backed by three historically racist U.S. Presidential candidates (You’ll Never Guess! The Second One Will Shock You! Subscribe for More).


Preemptively, Beverly, upon hearing this news, promised to “divest from companies that support racism, war crimes and colonization.” 


While it is uncertain how long the effects of the Northern Lights will last, members of the Carlton commune are, in fact, and reportedly, much happier. Salmondani agreed: “I’ve never been happier. Ever.”

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About the Contributor
Cecilia Samadani
Cecilia Samadani, Features Editor
I'm an English major with interests in Creative Writing and Middle East Studies minors. I love all things related to art whether that be writing, drawing, music or dance, and am an avid cat person. Cecilia '26 (she/her) was previously a Staff Writer.

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