This week, residents of Watson were shocked when they walked past the third-floor kitchen to find the room partitioned off using fluorescent yellow tarps and Do Not Enter tape. They were even more startled to find scientists donned in yellow hazmat suits, goggles, and heavy black boots filing in and out of the kitchen, carrying alarmingly full tetri dishes and other scientific equipment. 

These scientific inquiries and investigations, however, should not surprise any residents of Watson. The 3rd floor kitchen has been reportedly in disarray for a while now, strewn with food particles and residents’ belongings slowly transforming from a dorm kitchen to a funky-smelling den with the characteristics of a transfer station. Residents of the floor have described the kitchen as reminiscent of a “frat bathroom” (Madeleine Goldberger, ‘28), the scent “on-par with LDC tilapia”. In recent weeks, the kitchen has deteriorated into a state in which it is unusable to inhabitants of the floor, who refuse to leave their rooms for fear of passing out due to the indescribably horrific rich tapestry of scents emanating from the kitchen. 

It was no surprise to residents when, after several weeks of neglect, a mossy green growth began forming in the kitchen sink and in the fridge, which then spread to the countertop and fridge. The next day, the growth had formed a ground cover that blanketed the kitchen floor, wall and all other surfaces. On Tuesday morning, however, things took a turn when residents woke up and found the kitchen completely taken over by growth that they described as an “exotic jungle” of a variety of unfamiliar and mysterious plants. One plant, reminiscent of a Venus flytrap, was nearly twice the size of a human and had multiple heads oozing in a thick, green goo. The plant, positioned next to the sink, attempted to swallow a number of Watson residents who reportedly just wanted to fill up their Britas with the now muddy and yellow water emerging from the faucet at a constant slow drip.

Residents experienced an especially peculiar experience when they heard the faint pitter-patter of rain sounds emanating from the kitchen. Upon further exploration, they discovered that the room was experiencing a small rainstorm, further emphasizing the kitchen’s new status as a small, other-worldly jungle. 

Administrators at Carleton, perplexed by this phenomenon, called in researchers to further investigate this special occurrence. This week, scientists set up their operation in a tent headquartered on the third floor. Taking samples of the various organisms in the kitchen, the scientists tested the chemical components of the new growth to assess their origins.

Scientists held a press conference outside of Watson on Thursday to announce their findings. The researchers reported that they had discovered a new species of bacteria that had never been recorded. They went further to state that they had “never before experienced or witnessed an environment so shockingly revolting” and that Watson 3 was “so incredibly disgusting” that it would act as an environment “perfectly compatible to the cultivation of countless forms of new bacteria”. Their recommendation was to evacuate the building immediately; in fact, they declared that it was a scientific miracle that students living there in the last 10 years hadn’t noticed any ill effects on their health.

The discovery of the new organism, named Watsonella kitchenarius, has now been published in a number of world-renowned scientific journals, and Carleton, specifically Watson 3rd, is gaining global attention for demonstrating the incredible level of grossness necessary to generate an entirely new species of bacteria.