Dear Readers,

We interrupt your regularly scheduled Bald Spot programming this week to convey a message. This message goes out to all of you lovely readers who live in Watson. It came to our attention on Thursday last, at 11:32 PM, that the last several Dormstrology articles had not featured advice for Watson. This is not an error on our part; there’s simply no advice that can be given to fix a Watsonian. Let us explain.

First of all, very few Watsonians voiced these complaints independently before the alleged error was pointed out to them by members of the Carletonian staff. This indicates that very few Watson residents actually read the Carletonian – frankly, deeply unsurprising, though still disappointing. We had always suspected that many chose the building because of its distance from academic buildings such as Laird, which might inspire fear. Unfortunately for you Watsoners, the Carletonian’s home is in Myers, a mere hop, skip and a jump away from you. Expect to find issues in your elevators in the coming weeks. 

Next up, the issue of spiritual guidance for Watson. In my interactions with the Arb Goblin, albino squirrels, and other creatures that guide this place, they all expressed the same response when I asked, “What about Watson?” that response: confusion. They had never heard of it. This issue did confound me, and I explained the location of Watson clearly: on Maple street, near the Culinary house and the Cowling Gymnasium. But everything was suddenly made clear to me when the Arb Goblin said “the only thing between those two buildings is a column of smoke.” It appears that all the substances emanating from the Japanese Garden have been interfering with our ability to provide spiritual guidance to those of you who live in Watson. Maybe you could complain less, and spend more time going to class and such. 

Additionally, it is something of a challenge to generalize advice to Watsoners. The building has an incredible range of athletes, CSA-ers, Carletonianers, and other specific types of Carleton students. So while we may not be able to provide specific advice at this time, rest assured, we are heavily investigating exactly what it is about Watson that creates this environmental bubble. What draws people to Watson? Why doesn’t the building have any formative impact on residents’ character? Why is the basement lowkey goated? All these questions and more will be answered in the future, once this inquiry is completed.  

In the meantime, here are some ideas we can offer to simply improve your overall quality of life. Go outside more. Write an article for the Bald Spot (please). Scrunch your psychology or economics or calculus class. Take the Northfield Lines bus to the Cannon Valley 10 theater and see Luca Guadagino’s Challengers. Sleep on and off for 20 hours. Take a Strep Throat test. Go get an iced matcha. These recommendations are largely inspired by my own activities over the last few days, which means they should do wonders for you.