On Monday, April 8, a number of Carls flocked to Indiana and other equally random and irrelevant locations to watch the total eclipse, which last occurred in 2017. To prepare for this experience, many students demonstrated weakness and donned solar viewing glasses, which allowed their eyes to combat the dazzling sparkling halo of the sun peeking around the moon, a sight that was akin to “the skin of a killer,” according to an unnameable source whose name was Cedward Diggory.
A subset of especially studious students took the initiative to complete the prerequisite readings, “Twilight” and “New Moon” by Stephenie Meyer, to fully ready themselves for this third installment of the movement of the sun and other solar system-related bodies. They claimed the reading list and materials were donated by an anonymous ankle-length khaki skirt wearing donor. Armed with books, baseball bats they didn’t know how to use and a sense of delusion more powerful than that of a single Carl, these students eagerly awaited the total eclipse, clinging to one another like spider monkeys as the anticipation built and skyrocketed them above the trees prior to this momentous moment.
And what a momentous moment this moment was. So momentous, in fact, that some students have reported that the eclipse evoked a deeply spiritual notion within them, a sense of true connection with the natural world that felt like “their own personal brand of he…donism.” (The Carletonian was unable to gather accurate data on how much time these students usually spend outside.) Others found themselves staring with bewilderment due to the lack of light in the suddenly darkened sky, wondering “where the heck had the sun been” throughout the entire eclipse and ultimately considering the whole thing a bit “loca.” Still, other others, having confused the eclipse for a breaking dawn, left disappointed, mourning the lack of a Loch Ness monster (sorry, Renesmeememe) sighting. There were several reported sightings of Nessie in the land of 10,000 lakes; however, the lakes were unspecified due to fear of the ramifications that result from the unpleasant nicknaming of a most beloved daughter.
Luckily, most Carls found the eclipse to be an enjoyable experience, many taking the weekday off to roadtrip to a prime viewing location for the eclipse with friends and other loved ones, accomplished for some through the use of a red pickup truck, minivan or notably with one “stupid, shiny Volvo,” which the car’s owner reported having owned for “seventeen years…[or] a while” now. Due to luck, or some other mysterious force, a couple of near-disastrous collisions were stopped in milliseconds by the vigilant observers.
Overall, details surrounding the total eclipse are still, at this moment, cloudy (much as the weather was in Northfield, MN on this fateful day), but we are absolutely positive about three things. First, a solar eclipse did happen. Second, there were Carleton students — and we don’t know how many — present. And third, we are unconditionally and irrevocably committed to investigating matters unrelated to this eclipse.
