These are what the Security Blotters won’t give you: unbiased, unedited accounts of Carleton Campus Security.

Monday, March 7

Morning: No medicals. Boredom. Security instead responded to a pretend medical staged amongst the staff. The “injured” participant was transported to a pretend hospital by security. It was a lot of fun.

Tuesday, March 8

Evening: Security responded to a call for help. A student reported that an individual with pale skin, dark clothes and surprisingly sharp teeth was trying to bite him but fled upon noticing his flashlight. A task force was formed to locate the “Mad Biter.”

Late Night: Security conducted a preliminary lineup of pale-skinned, dark-clothed, light-averse students. Lots of computer science majors. No Mad Biters.

Early Morning: In order to lure in the Mad Biter, security began telling students to “bite me.” This was most likely not the best course of action. Complaints will be handled at a later date.

Wednesday, March 9

Morning: In order to gain intel about possible additional victims, security began asking students if they enjoyed being bitten. This was most likely not the best course of action. Complaints will be handled at a later date.

Afternoon: Just when all hope seemed to have been lost, security responded to an incident report. A golf cart had suffered a brake failure and begun skidding. When security arrived on the scene, the cart seemed about to hit a student. We were too late. But the Mad Biter wasn’t. An individual matching his exact profile appeared suddenly and stopped the cart with his bare hand. A surprisingly seductive show of force. The student he protected was transported to the hospital by security.

Evening: Security anticipated that there might be some sort of dramatic confrontation in the hospital between the student and her savior. There was not; nobody showed up. Student seemed determined to locate the Mad Biter. Security urged her not to as she had bigger things to worry about, like the hospital bill (roughly $2800).

Thursday, March 10

Afternoon: Security managed the student’s release from the hospital. She asked for more information about the mysterious man. Security did not give her any. A guard was sent to monitor her movements as her behavior was becoming quite suspicious.

Evening: Situation became odd. The student entered Goodhue Hall; security triangulated her location to a fourth-floor room that looked quite out of sorts. The overhead light was dirty and barely functional, casting a foggy glow over the unkempt surroundings. The Arb was silent but domineering at our backs. A man revealed himself. It was undoubtedly the Mad Biter. The student, however, did not seem afraid. Security recorded their conversation.

“You’re improbably fast and strong,” the student said. “Your skin is pale white and ice cold. Your eyes change color from bloodshot to more bloodshot. And sometimes you speak like you’re from a different time. You never eat or drink anything. You don’t go out in sunlight. …I know what you are.”

“Say it. Out loud,” the Mad Biter replied.

“You’re a Shadow Carl.”

“Are you afraid?”

“No,” the student said. “But I don’t really understand why you bit someone.”

“I’m sorry. I was procrastinating on my problem set. I’ll never do it again. Speaking of which, you should probably go. I have to work some more.”

“Wait.” She put her hand up. “I want you to turn me into a Shadow Carl. I dream about being with you forever and not interacting with you.”

“Forever. And you’re ready right now?”

“Yes.”

With one hand on the touchpad of his computer and the other holding the student’s hand, the Shadow Carl signed her up for more than the recommended three six-credit courses. The transformation would be gradual at first but would finish all at once.

Friday, March 11

Morning: Security needed a morning off after that. Luckily, a team member had purchased several loaves of garlic bread under the impression we were dealing with a different type of supernatural creature. Status quo not restored. It probably won’t be.

Afternoon: Security received reports of several study rooms around campus being occupied more than usual. Apparently, a new clan of students have arrived: The nomadic Shadow Oles. Security does not know how to handle this, but believes it would make a decent movie if someone changed a few of the details.