These are what the security blotters won’t give you: unbiased, unedited accounts of Carleton Campus Security. 

Monday, February 28

Early Morning: Security responded to a medical. The medical was in response to security. Security transported security to Northfield Hospital. 

Tuesday, March 1

Afternoon: A student called to report an incident regarding a vending machine. The card reader at the Sayles vending machine was working. This is against campus tradition. A task force was formed.

Evening: Security located the card reader in Sayles and turned it off. No fire, but the contents of the machine were suspect. Security seized small combs, packets of Pepto-Bismol, several bags of Tootsie Rolls and various TV dinners that were not frozen. These were identified as contraband—not authorized for campus distribution by CSA, the college administration or human common sense.

Late Night: Security responded to a medical. A (now former) security guard who will go unnamed became violently ill after consuming three unfrozen TV dinners. The guard was resuscitated with the remaining Pepto-Bismol. Another task force was formed to identify the individual who stocked the Sayles vending machine—dubbed the Vile Vendor.

Wednesday, March 2

Early Morning: Security responded to reports of excessive Tootsie Roll distribution followed by incessant giggling. A stakeout was conducted at Three Oaks. No Vile Vendor, just the CUT social.

Afternoon: Security performed test transactions at every vending machine on campus. No suspicious items were found. However, the Anderson Hall vending machine did not distribute a bag of Fritos. Security filled out the Vending Refunds form, which was located at https://www.carleton.edu/campus-services/vending/, and received a refund.

Evening: Security responded to an entire day of seeing Coca-Cola advertisements by purchasing several bottles of caffeinated soda.

Late Night: Security can’t sleep. Anyone up and want to chat? 🥺👉👈

Thursday, March 3

Morning: Security responded to an act of vandalism. Someone had thrown a TV dinner through the window of the security office. Scribbled on the product was “COME AND GET ME, SECURI-NERDS! HEHEHEHEAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!” 

The third task force was formed.

Afternoon: Several students across campus reported that their local vending machines had been stocked not only with TV dinners and combs, but also with grapefruits, small potted ferns and Clinton-Gore ’92 buttons. The Vile Vendor was on a rampage. 

Evening: Security deployed a trail of TV dinners leading to the one vending machine nobody ever visits: The Leighton basement machine. A cage was set overhead. Nothing to do but wait.

Friday, March 4

Early Morning; Security responded to a medical. A man with a notably maniacal laugh reported being stuck in a cage in the Leighton basement. Status quo restored. 

Afternoon: The man had a top hat, twirly mustache and cape, and carried a cane studded with Coke caps. Unmistakably the Vile Vendor. Would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for us “meddling security guards.” The VV was transported to the Northfield Police Station by security.

Evening: During his interrogation, the VV admitted he just wanted to share his eclectic culinary tastes with his second favorite Northfield private college. A misunderstood villain. Out of respect, security restocked the Sayles vending machine with TV dinners, Pepto-Bismol, combs, Tootsie Rolls, etc. Status quo restored.

Email [email protected] with any campus issues you’d like Security to tackle next week.