For most Carls, Family Weekend was a time of reconnection. The campus was alive with the bustle of students frantically concealing their new lives amidst the lukewarmth of familial love. But, thanks to the temporary mask mandate imposed from Friday to Sunday, the Northfield area’s small yet existent superhero community—whose identities are exclusively dependent on whether or not they are wearing their masks—found themselves forced to choose between refusing their children and revealing their alter egos.

“The image of my sweet son was growing grainy, and I hoped this weekend would allow us to take a fast break and be whole again,” said Malt-O-Man, the superhero tasked with protecting the Malt-O-Meal factory and its aroma. “Even after I fell into a vat of boiling cereal and acquired my powers, I recognized that family is part of a complete life. I intended to show up as the mild-mannered Gold N. Brown, but clearly the college would rather I boil over and serve up my true identity. I wish they wouldn’t stir the pot—I suppose all we can do is hope their efforts are in grain.”

Though Malt-O-Man’s elaborate costume prevented him from seeing his family, superheroes on the less flashy end of the spectrum still took issue with the mask mandate. “I’m okay with being spotted in public. After all, most students here pretend I’m invisible when they’re with their families,” remarked White Claw Woman. “That being said, masks don’t work. They never did. Fauci is lying to you. Read the leaked emails.”

But within the turmoil of every controversy lie those who are completely okay with everything that is going on. One such individual is Captain COVID. “I see no reason to conceal my pronged visage,” the Captain said. “I deeply enjoyed meeting your unvaccinated parents. May their presence herald mine!”