Obviously you haven’t been inside the local Target since arriving on campus since that would mean breaking the covenant, but we can only assume it is already fully decorated for Halloween, the 2nd largest marketing holiday besides my birthday. After pouring over the mobile app so that I can do contactless pick up, I came across the perfect costume to scare a few of my fellow Carls. This FW20 season Target’s Goodfellow clothing brand has recently released a super spooky Halloween costume called “Adequately funded Cultural/Identity groups.” 

I was originally planning on wearing my sloth onesie again, but as I was scrolling through pages of mixers and pedialyte for my 3 person roommates only halloween party, I was presented with some costumes. The costume itself is just a budget sheet where a reasonable amount of funds are allocated to Identity/Cultural groups, very avant garde. Thankfully I decided not to opt for the sexy version of the costume.

“But Jack,” you may be asking, “how do you know that people will be freaked by this costume?” I feel like the answer is pretty obvious, but allow me to explain. One thing that I find terrifying is the prospect of spending 30 thousand dollars on having another one hit wonder give a disappointing performance. That being said, there are several students on campus and who decided that holding on to this prospect was less scary to the members of CSA than having adequate funding for the Cultural/Identity groups on our campus. While I might not be scaring a vast majority of the Carleton community, I know that I will be getting a really good scare out of a good group of spineless cowards who were too scared to do a good job allocating funds. 

And besides all that, I feel like it should be pretty obvious that the Confederate States of America would be scared of this for a variety of reasons. They however, probably would not be scared of spending. However if this costume falls through, I’ll be dressing up as a SOAN prof and scaring everyone.