I feel obligated to tell all of the readers that the bald spot sucks. Now I realized this when I realized that everything is relative. Relative to SNL, we’re pretty funny. Relative to Jeff Dunham, we’re pretty funny. Relative to the cringey comedy groups on campus, we’re very funny.

There is however one thing we will never be as funny as. That thing, that moving goal we will never score on, is a version of the bald spot without censorship. Every meeting I come up with great ideas and funny jokes that everyone else in the room loves, but is too scared to support. Katy and Sam run this place with an iron fist, like 1984’s big brother, Fascist Italy’s Mussolini, or the police dog from Paw Patrol. They immediately shoot down all of my really good ideas, before the other people in the room can support me. This is the problem with censorship in the media. You don’t realize how hard it is for me to be funny without being inflammatory or hurtful.

If we are truly a liberal arts institution, we should be valuing a wide variety of ideas and political persuasions, regardless of the inequality they have historically led to or justified. I really have nothing going for me besides this one last page of the newspaper since my cat died, and I just want a chance to make people laugh regardless of the consequence of my influence.

It’s just jokes, it’s not like they’re gonna influence what people think is socially acceptable because it is seen published in the media, jeez. If nothing changes I will be forced to call in my free speech loving friend Nick Fuentes and bust my pal Jordan Peterson out of Russian rehab. Please care about my feelings while I intentionally hurt the feelings of others.

This is how we will make progress as a society, eventually all the bad ideas will lose out and only good ones will be left. This however does assume that people like Sam and Katy don’t prop up nonsensical, obviously disproven arguments for thier own self-benefit.