Last year, the administration flooded student emails with queries about the Anderson Hall Light Fixture. The college higher ups, it seemed, were convinced that this light fixture was the most pressing issue on campus. Carls were begged to attend presentations by various sculpture artists or comment on design proposals. Obviously, our input on the light fixture was more valuable than, say, students’ thoughts on tuition costs or academic course offerings.

However, the much anticipated light fixture is nowhere to be found in the new science building. After so much hullabaloo, students are wondering what the heck happened to this over-glorified light bulb. Surely this illuminative piece of art will be the gem of the building. Students walking to lab will stop in their tracks and crane their necks upward to admire the project. It will be too beautiful for STEM majors to describe with their limited vocabulary. Like moths to a flame, Carls will gravitate toward the fixture and stare in awe. It will probably assume the place of our past deity “the crane” and gain a campus-wide religious following.

While we wait for this expensive lamp, here are some theories about what it will look like. Carleton can Venmo me directly if they chose to pursue any of these ideas.

◉ Carleton is purchasing the sun. Thank you, rich alumni.

◉ The college is renting a giant “light box” from SHAC to help students with Seasonal Affective Disorder. (I actually would love this, and I hope anyone with SAD takes advantage of campus resources.)

◉ The fixture is a giant neon sign, which reads “I’m on the pre-med track.”

◉ The light fixture is actually a huge candle. The Residential Life Office, upon hearing the news, will schedule RAs to take turns to “try to blow it out.”

◉ The light fixture is made out of dorm string lights. Graduating seniors donated their string lights for the project because “They are refined adults now and have no need for such juvenile frivolities.”

To ensure the fixture will not increase electricity costs or impact the school’s carbon footprint, the college will plug the fixture to a really long extension cord that connects to St. Olaf.

As finals approach, we will need the light fixture more than ever. Students are being dragged into a dark abyss with exams and essays worth 30% or more of their grade.