It’s finally here. The weeks that all sophomores at Carleton have been impatiently waiting for. It’s the start of our “year of transformation”, the time for us to assume our final forms. This is it, guys. We’re peaking. Some of you may still be uncertain about what your transformation will be. Well, fear no more—the Carletonian has some of the resources that you will need to get started on your very own sophomorphing. With that in mind, we are here to bring you news of what some of your very own fellow sophomores will be sophomorphing into.
One sophomore, Ben Alexander, was clearly very confident of his choice. “Stevie P.,” he said without skipping a beat. We hope that this surefootedness and preparedness for the future will follow him as he prepares to step into office at the end of this year. Meanwhile, other sophomores are aiming for slightly less lofty, though none less noble roles. Brandon Carrillo hopes to sophomorph into “a cardboard box so I’d be useful. I can store books inside me. Knowledge would literally be inside me”. Wendy Lo, listening in on this conversation, added that she would prefer to morph into something other than an inanimate object, such as “Beyoncé or Usher”. Hearing this, Brandon quickly chimed in with “Wait, if she doesn’t want Beyoncé, I want Beyoncé”.
Clearly, some sophomores are still deciding and may eventually have to make the difficult decision of choosing either the one that they are intellectually passionate about, or the one that makes more money. Another sophomore, Tim Oliver, emphasized that this sophomorphing was not a choice that he had made lightly. He had given this matter plenty of thought, of course, weighing the various benefits and drawbacks. However, at press time, he finally decided that henceforth, he would like to be known as “Donald Trump’s hair, so I could fall out, forcing him to buy fake toupées so that people could make fun of him”. Well, since widely televised racism and public misogyny haven’t stopped many people from supporting Donald Trump, we don’t know if baldness will. But it is a valiant attempt and a gallant effort, and here at the Carletonian, we applaud Tim and other courageous sophomores as they begin the often harrowing, yet strangely rewarding, process of sophomorphing.