It’s not often that the Carleton Apathetic Voters for Elections (CAVE) does anything. “Most meetings get canceled 15 minutes before we start,” said interim CAVE President Maya Pinion ’26. “I’m only the interim president because we can never get around to electing a real one, but I don’t care enough to change it, so here I am.”
But despite the lackluster lack of meetings, CAVE might actually endorse a candidate for Carleton Student Association this year.
“Some freshman that joined the group chat during New Student Week in the fall said that we should endorse somebody for CSA this year and none of us had the initiative to go in the groupchat and argue back,” said Jen Ericsen ’25, an inactive member of CAVE. “We probably should update our charter to prevent this kind of abuse of the group chat, but I’m like compsing, so that just doesn’t fit on my plate, ya know?”
The freshman, who will remain unnamed because nobody that the Carletonian talked to was willing to look through the group chat and see who it was, pushed for an endorsement for an event that many in CAVE didn’t even know existed.
“Elections?” asked Sam O’Really ’27. “We still do those? I didn’t think we did. Huh, you learn something new everyday.”
O’Really, a former member of the now defunct Carleton Organization for Gullible Students (COGS) represents a large portion of the CAVE vote this year.
“There are a lot of COGS in CAVE now,” said O’Really. “You can usually tell who’s who based on the reaction that they have to learning obviously false information. The former COGS will all believe it, and the true CAVE people will be on their phone doom scrolling YikYak.”
Many political pundits expect that the CAVE vote will matter in the general election, and their endorsement even more so. One professor in the Political Science Department, who will remain unnamed because he said some really hurtful things to this author, said that “I expect they’ll endorse someone from within the ranks. Now get out of my office, you @^%$*&*!”
Most with insider information expect this endorsement to be given to Carl Shadowman ’24, a man that many in CAVE refer to as “a true believer.”
Mr. Shadowman declined to comment because he “wasn’t feeling it right now.” Those inside the Shadowman campaign expect that he will run under the pseudonym “Did Not Vote” so as to maximize his chances of representing the most Carleton students.
