Over the last several weeks, the Carletonian has received numerous requests to investigate allegedly supernatural phenomena affecting the day-to-day lives of certain students and faculty members. Complaints have ranged from waking up with pink hair to finding all of one’s socks wet after going through the dryer to an individual being transported into Little Joy every time they try to enter Goodbye, Blue Monday. This last report was so troubling that we had no choice but to take matters into our own hands, and investigate these strange goings on. What we found was shocking. It would appear that a number of sophomore students, inspired by the recent lucrative trend of “Etsy witch” businesses, have been selling hexes, curses and potions.
While the queenpin of this operation wished to remain anonymous out of fear of getting cursed back, she was happy to share the history of this business and is eager to attract new customers. We sat down under the chapel bell, the main store, where this entrepreneur shared her story.
“It all started four weeks ago when one of my friends made a joke about paying someone on Etsy to curse one of their campus opps,” said the queenpin. “I suddenly realized that I had the skills to both help my friend and capitalize on an up-and-coming industry. So I watched some YouTube videos, sold my soul, and got down to brewing. In the month we’ve been operating, we’ve made some serious profits, and I’ve been able to hire three little witchlings to help me with production. We’re really like a family here at Carleton College Curses & Charms. A family that unfortunately can’t afford to provide overtime pay, beyond the basic compensation of stay-awake charms.”
The business woman also seemed interested in sharing information about the range of products offered by CCC&C. The brand has just launched their range of hair products and serums, which the creator was extremely proud of, telling us “we’ve got hair colour potions, baldness potions and more. If you want to make a professor who gave you a B+ on a Moodle discussion post bald, we’ve got you covered. If he’s already bald, we can make him balder. Or, even better, we can make his hair grow back and charm everyone to believe he went to Turkey to get hair transplants. When it comes to hair, we’ve got it covered. Or we can get it uncovered. You get the point.”
One would expect that such threats to the scalp moisture of faculty and staff would worry the administration, but they seemed very calm. President Alison Byerly said, “it’s so exciting to see students taking an interest in starting their careers early and getting involved in the community. I love their dedication. And, well, this is off the record, but I love their Presidentially Bangin’ Bangs Oil and Incantation™ even more. It’s a real life saver, and I don’t mind that it costs a couple of student’s arms and legs every time. Just last week, Wally Weitz of the board told me how bangin’ my bangs were.”
But not everyone feels so positively about Carleton College Curses & Charms. One college chaplain said, “when they rented the space out, I was excited. We’ve been looking for a little extra cash to cover the cost of all that Desi Diner catering, and it would be cool to get more wicca practitioner events going. Then they ‘accidentally’ spilled their baldness potion on me. They claimed it was an accident, and they offered me a free hair regrowth potion, but I’m not interested in that. So now I’m bald, and everyone keeps asking me why I shaved my head, and I have to make up stupid excuses. I don’t want to hurt a community of spiritual students, but I am helping them look for a new location.”
However, students across campus are extremely excited about their hard-water-away spell, which is 2 parts L’Oreal color protectant shampoo and 1 part magic dust. Aside from hair-related products, CCC&C also built a lot of their brand reputability on their academic success spells. There are charms for making a ⅓ letter grade improvement on any quiz, charms for getting 8 hours of sleep in just 20 minutes, and perhaps most miraculously, charms for making all your group project members contribute equally. I hate to editorialize, but that’s real magic, if you ask me.
Shreya Mehta ‘27, who is a self-identified frequent etsy curse buyer, delivered quite high praise of CCC&C. She gushed “I’ve hardly had to buy etsy curses for the last three weeks. Carleton College Curses & Charms takes care of all my campus opps in an instant, and I also love their baby-soft hand cream. The recipe is top secret. When it comes to my campus opps, they’ve been extremely helpful in terms of charming my roommate’s showers to always be cold so she doesn’t take 45 minutes or start singing. Also, one of my friend’s boyfriend’s never used to walk her home, so I hired the Carleton College Curses & Charms witch to summon demons to chase after him when he’s walking home alone.”
Carleton College Curses & Charms has displayed no intent of stopping business anytime soon, and nor should they. If you’re looking to contact them for a hex, simply make your way to the bell tower at 1 AM on a Tuesday night, strip naked, and howl until you see a menu order card before. There will be a space to request special ingredient add-ons. Be prepared to pay via locks of hair, dining dollars, or future children.