At the end of every Winter term, juniors start to populate everyone’s email list with their Carleton Student Association (CSA) platforms, searching to become elected president. These lists contain a broad range of aspirations, hopes and personal dreams of the candidates. Over the last few years, these ideals have gotten even bolder and some may venture so far as to say, unrealistic. The Carletonian has polled some of the candidates and ticket members of the last five years, as well as those running right now, on some policies and campaign ideas they ended up not running with, and why. All will be kept anonymous for the sake of not affecting the current election. 

Policy #1: Diversity, Equity and Inclusion for campus squirrels. While plenty of attention is frequently given to the albino squirrels, why don’t other fur colors receive the same praise? If elected president, this candidate would ensure that the rainbow of squirrels on campus are represented, supported and photographed by parents equally. 

Reason for excluding from platform: Executive order from College President to halt any DEI related to squirrels on campus immediately. 

Policy #2: Replace all the windows in the dorms with tinted glass. People are too comfortable peeking, particularly on the first floors. Bring back privacy. You shouldn’t be able to see in my home, or see my decor and use it as inspo. 

Reason for excluding from platform: Due to budget constraints, administration was only able to offer to provide black paint for this candidate to redo dorm windows by themself.

Policy #3: Teach Carleton’s compsci majors how to flirt, kiss and generally be respectful towards women. Invest in deodorant, not just provided at SHAC, but in academic buildings. Possibly invest in diffusing aerosol deodorant in the vestibules of various dorms for the well being of all students.

Reason for excluding from platform: Student disinterest in respecting women, non-organic deodorants and remedies.

Policy #4: Eradicate misogyny and violence and disrespect towards women across campus, at parties and in the classroom. Women are too often casually spoken over, insulted and sidelined at Carleton College.

Reason for excluding from platform: Early polling data showed that 75% of male Carls don’t believe misogyny is an issue on campus. It also suggested that 85% of women on campus believed this to be utterly impossible to accomplish, citing the ignorance of Carleton men as a reason. 

Policy #5: Be transparent with Carleton students about how much of Carleton’s compost and recycling is actually composted and recycled. Make efforts to increase it.

Reason for excluding from platform: this candidate suspiciously went missing shortly before CSA elections. A rumor eventually went around that she was another “girl who transferred,” however, no evidence of this could be found and her Instagram account has not been updated since. Administration declined to comment.

Policy #6: Create and bring about world peace.

Reason for excluding from platform: The candidate felt that this goal was not sufficiently ambitious when compared to their other campaign goals. They didn’t want to seem to be looking for low-hanging fruit. Instead, this candidate opted to run on a campaign oriented around the comparatively much harder goal of increasing the Sproncert budget.