You might want to get a date even if you believe set-ups are doomed to fail as rumors have spread that the SAO has decided Date Knight is also Purge Knight — and the single people are the ones being hunted.
An anonymous student-worker from the SAO office described the process of how this new Date Knight activity came about. “Lee Clark, our director, read one scientific journal article about how people in a healthy relationship are happier than those who are single and said at our meeting, ‘What if we got rid of all the single people on Date Knight?’ That question gave me a great idea, but I knew there were simply too many undateable Carls to match them all.” While Clark’s intention may have been to get his workers to get more people to participate in one of their biggest events of the year, this student worker went in a completely different direction.
“I kept thinking to myself on how to fulfill Lee’s request to get rid of all the single people on Date Knight while also making sure those who are coupled up are having fun while students are dropping around them. Then it hit me: have the couples get rid of the single students. My coworkers and I don’t have to get our hands dirty and the couples have a truly bonding experience. For some of Carleton’s single students, it’s easier to have them killed off than set up. It was a win-win,” the ever-creative SAO student-worker continued to explain. That is when they brought it to the treasurer of the CSA.
Coming across their desk, the treasurer was the one to receive the budget proposal titled “Date Knight, Purge Night”. “I was hesitant just reading the title so I went to the entire CSA board and SAO office to see if this was even allowed. The CSA board said that with the recent election it would be good to throw an event that could help with population control accompanying Sexploration Week. The SAO office had this science article on their minds about happiness and relationships so they thought this new event would be something new to try to bring up quality of student-life survey scores,” they commented. With seemingly unanimous support from both staff and peers, the treasurer went over the surprisingly thorough budget request. Some item lines read, “$400 for 20 human-sized nets, $150 for 6 bottles of chloroform, and $20 for a case of water bottles that the single people can fight over.” Apparently this new purge night comes with equipment provided for each participating couple, and if you fill out the google form now, you can still reserve a chainsaw!
CSA’s treasurer gave their stamp of approval and after being allowed to be proposed by the CSA board, it wasn’t that surprising to anyone that the board approved the special allocation after the budget presentation. So this article is here to say that the rumors are true, the alleged event “Date Knight/Purge Knights” is officially a part of the Date Knight programming.
Get your friend to set you up and set them up as well so that you all survive the singles purge. Look for strong partners for the friends you love. Don’t worry about your track team friends so much. They can find love if they survive. Then, maybe after some pickleball at the Rec, grab a net or a bottle of chloroform and head to the Arb to find a single that you and your date will bond over “getting rid of.”