Last weekend’s annually celebrated Midwinter Ball was thrown into chaos when students looking for the 12:00 a.m. shuttle to get back to their dorms were met with a large gourd outside Sayles, the bus nowhere to be seen. Max Fischer ’27 described the vegetable as “beautiful,” before launching into his account of how “I went outside with my friends to get the bus back to Parish, since we didn’t want to use the coat check. Right when we got outside, I noticed the giant zucchini-like squash in the loop, but I didn’t think it had anything to do with the bus. It was big, nine feet tall and green. It looked very organic, though, like it was from Ferndale Market or maybe even Open Hands Farm. Anyway, we were all shivering, because the beautiful winter jackets we had been given by a benevolent local had randomly just turned back into rags. I thought I was hallucinating, honestly.”
A similar story was told by Andrew Rose ’27, who said, “Squeak, squeak, squeak squeak,” and appeared to have shrunk to the body weight and dimensions of a mouse. The Carletonian’s mouse correspondent was able to communicate that Rose also emphasized the organic and locally sourced nature of the squash that was being used to transport students between 9:30 and 12:00 a.m.
An anonymous representative for the Student Activities Office (SAO) admitted to having entered into a contract with an elderly short woman with white hair and a mischievous smile to provide transportation, but stated, “She signed a contract committing that her large squash would be transformed into a bus until 12:30 a.m. when the ball ended, and we will be pursuing legal action for this breach of contract once we can find this godmother-like fairy figure.”
Students were extremely concerned the next morning when it became apparent that Parish had practically doubled its rodent population overnight. Mice and other small mammals can now be found in most student rooms, as opposed to their previous confinement to the basement. Surprisingly, a number of residents were nowhere to be seen when we reached out for comment. Omar Sobhy ’27, who lives in Parish, said, “I haven’t seen many of these mice, but I’d assume they are pretty cute. Also, does anyone know where my roommate is? And whose hamster is running around our room?”
Another student was dismayed to have lost a Blundstone on the steps of Sayles. The CANOE resident chose to remain anonymous but requested, “Please bring it back if you find it. These custom insoles are molded to my feet and my shoes will not serve another. Everyone knows Blundstones are practically magic slippers to Carleton students. I will offer a reward of any item from Sayles with a value of up to $11 dining dollars.”
It was also reported that the driver of the shuttle, who was another outsourced staff member, had disappeared. However, these meager missing person concerns were quickly brushed away by Sunday’s excitement at the discovery of a new beaver living in Lyman Lakes! Beaver enthusiasts all over campus made their sacred journeys to Mai Fete island to greet the new creature, who they are hoping will make a guest appearance at this year’s BeaverFest. Stay tuned for more updates on the BeaverFest itinerary, coming soon.