I start my day early in the morning, usually before the sun rises. I put on a thrifted sweater or my go-to fleece pullover from Costco and I head downstairs to start my day. I read the newspaper or read a book as I drink a cup (or three) of black coffee. A few classes later, I have dinner (and more coffee) at 4:45 pm, and after homework, I try to squeeze in another few chapters of a book before going to bed and doing it all again. Hobbies of mine include writing letters, searching for bargains at the grocery store and reading nonfiction books — among many others. 

This lifestyle is certainly not the norm among others my age, and it has led to me having quite the reputation with my friends and colleagues. “Ok. Thanks, grandpa” is a common response among my friends, and we use “grandpa dinner” as shorthand for our common dinner time that I have proposed, usually before five in the evening. At this point, acting much older than my age has become second nature to me, and it’s something that I now consider a central part of my identity. But why? What is the value of acting like I’m retired even though I haven’t even chosen a major yet?

In my eyes, one of the benefits of taking on the mentality and lifestyle of a so-called “grandpa” is simplicity. My life in high school and for a good portion of my freshman year at Carleton lacked a basic routine, and I was lost in a sea of parties, trends and unspoken social rules that I simply could not understand. However, the lifestyle that I have morphed into today gives me a structure and a concrete role to play in social situations. Routines, in general, are immensely beneficial, but the “grandpa” routine I have grown accustomed to allows for more focus on what truly matters to me, as well as more time to breathe in between classes,work and activities. I have always been an ardent defender of 4:45 p.m. LDC dinners because of the lack of crowds, noise and lines. Rising early in the morning, while it is sometimes difficult, gives me an entirely different perspective on campus living. If you have never been out and about on campus before 8 a.m. without rushing to class or a meeting, I highly recommend it. 

But this article isn’t just going to be me raving about my daily schedule or how my way of living is so much better than the average Carleton student’s. The reason why all aspects of the “grandpa” identity are appealing to me: the attire, the attitude, the hobbies and the vocabulary, is because being a 19-year-old “grandpa” is a way of performing masculinity that I feel I can actually accomplish. 

I wrote an article about what it means to really “be a man” last term, and I still haven’t entirely figured it out. But as I recently reached 10 months on testosterone and changes to my physical appearance make it so I don’t have to worry about “passing” as male so obsessively, I’ve had more time to think about the kind of man I want to be. If you asked me just a few months ago, I would have probably told you that I wanted to be a man, any kind of man that was convincing enough for people to believe. But now, as I’ve started to internalize that others actually do perceive me as male, I get to do some experimenting with the exact male perception that I want.

I have known for a very long time, since before I even came out, that I was not cut out to be a macho man. Part of that is because I am vertically challenged, but I also know that putting on an air of hyper-masculinity was just not who I was or wanted to be. I am a man, and I strive to be in some way a “masculine” man, but I want to be the kind of masculine that isn’t intimidating or domineering. A type of man that people are drawn to, that is confident but kind and someone that people know they can count on and trust. 

Enter the image of the “grandpa.” While I am not particularly close with either of my actual grandfathers, there are many older male figures in my life with kind hearts and wildly interesting backstories. As I move through my transition, I see many of the men in my life as role models, and I shape my gender expression around the positive attributes of masculinity that I see around me. Many of the men that I look up to, some of whom are actual grandfathers, are welcoming and caring, stick to their preferences with confidence and don’t take themselves too seriously. The sweaters, coffee and coupons are fantastic, don’t get me wrong, but the image of the grandpa that I am trying to cultivate is that of a man who is knowledgeable, dependable and non-threatening. I’m trying to be the kind of man that I want to be around. 

As the Viewpoint section has repeatedly discussed, masculinity is difficult and complex. There are a lot of preconceived notions that come with presenting as a man or performing masculinity. As a man who is (relatively) new to this form of expression, I worry a lot about if I’m doing it right. I want to be masculine enough that I don’t feel dysphoric and the people around me see me as a “real” man, but not so overbearingly or toxically masculine that others feel uncomfortable. It’s a tough thing to do, but I think I’ve struck a balance by acting about 60 years older than I should. And as I sit here, in a sweater with a cup of black coffee beside me, in a kitchen full of on-sale groceries that I will never stop bragging about, I think I’ve found a way of life that makes the masculinity I’m performing seem authentic, like the man I’m trying to be is, actually me.