In the days since Republicans won the Presidency, Senate and House, Democratic pundits and politicians have begun their inevitable finger pointing and wishful thinking about where they went wrong. There’s widespread disagreement over what happened: were Democrats too far left? Too far right? Too moderate? Simultaneously both too far left and too far right? All of these opinions have been stated by some politician or other.
Last night, a clear leader emerged from the milieu of voices. The National Campus Squirrel Association Senate (NCSA) Majority Leader, Mr. Squirrely-Pants, announced he’ll be running to replace Jaime Harrison as the leader of the DNC. Squirrely-Pants has been spotted meeting with Democratic leaders and politicians, presumably attempting to garner support before Harrison steps down in 2025.
Squirrely-Pants was first elected to the NCSA in 2009, citing the 2008 recession as the moment that galvanized him into action. “I was just a normal campus squirrel,” he said. “At Carleton, I was in charge of food procurement leading into winter, so I had some managerial experience you could say. I was concerned that the state of the economy might lead Carleton to plant fewer trees, so I had to get involved.”
Since then, Squirrely-Pants has been known for his far-reaching policies that have ranged from improving acorn distribution to ensure that squirrels in colder climates don’t have to work too many hours to prepare for winter to lobbying the Minnesota State Legislature for more nut producing trees. He also is known to be very liberal on social issues, although the Carletonian was unable to confirm what legislation has been passed in the NCSA during Squirrely-Pants’s tenure due to a language barrier. (Assuming Squirrely-Pants is elected, the Carletonian will begin recruiting for an English-Squirrlish translator at the start of Winter Term). He has also long-advocated against the exoticisation of albino squirrels on campus.
Squirrely-Pants’s campaign is focused on one priority: “everything the DNC is doing now, we need to change,” he said. When asked to clarify, Squirrely-Pants first listed planting more trees that provide acorns to squirrels as his priority, before disclosing more of his view of how to fix the DNC. “We need to balance both putting food on the ground and making sure that all squirrellettes are safe and welcome in their schools.”
Voting policy is important to Squirrely-Pants: he strongly believes that holding elections in early November is exclusionary to squirrels, who have to prioritize acorn-burying at that time of year. Some aspects of his views on voting, however, were more concerning to the Carletonian. “The problem is, we keep voting,” he said. “Voting is great and all, but not when people choose wrong.” Squirrely-Pants was unwilling to explain what he sees as the solution to this issue.
Living on a college campus was crucial to Squirrely-Pants’s development of his political ideology. “The range of political opinions on this campus amazes me,” he said. “In my squirrel den in the old days, you never would’ve seen squirrels thinking even slightly differently. But at Carleton, as long as it’s within the narrow acceptable range of mainstream views, students can say anything they want.”
It’s unclear what Squirrely-Pant’s policy priorities are, which Squirrely-Pants admitted might be a cause for concern. “After the election, I realized I might need a platform — Democrats might be looking for that these days. Unfortunately, as a squirrel, I’m not sure what I can do there. Maybe in 2032 though?”
