Seven year old girls love the cow costume; twenty year old girls love the baby bangs. Neither group knows what “Carleton” is, but the update is a wild success on Roblox’s “Dress to Impress” (DTI). For the severely uneducated and chronically offline: DTI is the best game ever, and the only game worth playing on Roblox. In the game, the players receive a theme, and have a limited amount of time to make an appropriate outfit that is then rated by their peers. The game is exclusively played by middle school girls and 22 year olds, some of the best and worst fashionistas alive, respectively.
Following Halloween, DTI has launched a highly niche update, one that really only makes sense to approximately 30 people. The Carletonian was lucky enough to speak with Gigi herself, the iconic developer of the game.
She said, “We really wanted to cater to our older demographic — and by older, I mean college-aged girls who should be writing essays and doing readings, but instead relish in glitter, defeating small children and Charli XCX albums, a demographic containing people like the girl reading this.”
“So,” she said, “we searched for the weirdest college ever.”
Thus, the Carleton College DTI update was born, and features iconic staples of Carleton life, including four new hair styles: presidential baby bangs, the “lab day slick back,” early male pattern baldness and “is she gay or does she just have a mullet?” Due to copyright issues with the original creator, presidential baby bangs will only be available in the shade chestnut brown.
Other items include customizable eye bags going all the way to the shade ‘7th week violet’, a frisbee accessory that can be customized to have the stripes of any pride flag on it, the Bon App student worker polo, geology major wading boots and the dark academia core trench coat (thrifted, of course). Another exciting feature is that the male and female base figures can now wear any clothing or makeup style. The game’s developers were inspired by “just how gay this place is— You’re telling me this ISN’T a historically women’s college?!”
Following the removal of the hotdog costume after it was used to make outfits based on other similarly shaped objects, Gigi tentatively installed the cow costume. She said, “If you motherf****** try anything, you WILL become part of Lana’s lore.”
For the, again, severely uneducated, Lana is the game’s nail tech. She has gone missing (!) and has since been replaced by some rando named Lena. But her lore is extensive, featuring suspicious looking basements and a special horror playthrough where the highly-invested DTI player can walk through her childhood VERY scathed. There are rumors that the Cassat-James tunnel may be available as a skin for this area.
So, keeping that warning in mind, DTI fans have been respectful of Gigi’s guidelines. If they’ve been respectful of one another is an entirely different story.
Just last night, at approximately 11:59 p.m., the Carletonian received word that a fight broke out in Musser after two students, dressed as Alison Byerly, accused the other of copying. As they brawled, the rest of the server played through several more rounds as their clearly AFK avatars walked the runway, again and again, sporting iconic bangs and English professor heels, and an available by purchase-only clasped hands pose.
One other student complained to the Carletonian about being deeply upset when no one recognised their costume, composed of compass-themed accessories and receipt-paper print, as “Bill North.”
Security successfully detained both students who are slowly recovering from their injuries and Roblox-induced eye strain. The brain rot, sadly, is incurable.
Other folks on campus are thrilled at the recognition, and clearly, some professors are having too much fun. Professor Hue Man has started greeting students with “RATE MY FIT, SKIBIDI OMEGAS” and hitting Pose 28.
