Everyone’s heard it. Unfailingly, in two hour increments, freight trains tear through Northfield, emitting an ear-shattering horn sound that penetrates every corner of Carleton’s campus, all the way to Lilac Hill and Goodhue.
Last week, an especially shrill horn sounded from east of campus. Chaos erupted following the noise, which was reported by alum to be “unparalleled in Carleton and human history.” After LDC staff cleaned up the vats of grilled chicken spilled across the floor after the explosion and replaced them with a seemingly endless supply of even more grilled chicken that was even more dry, the Carletonian studied the effects of the noise. However, after further research, it was discovered that the Northfield freight train was not, in fact, responsible for the ear-piercing noise.
After days of extensive investigation, the Carletonian found that the sound originated in the Weitz center, more specifically in the second floor Weitz bathroom. A student in the middle of their linguistics class reportedly “blew up” the bathroom after consuming an especially potent brew of Burton’s english toffee cappuccino at breakfast, so syrupy and viscous that the geology department said it couldn’t be considered a true fluid. The serious gastrointestinal effects of the brew led to a train horn-like explosion sound that convinced many it was a freight train.
In the leadup to the incident, the student’s classmates reported looking on in concern as his face flushed, he began to sweat profusely, and clenched his stomach out of overwhelming discomfort. “Bro said his stomach was about to explode and literally sprinted out of the room,” his classmate said. After an eerie moment of silence in the class, students were forced to duck and cover as the ceiling rained pieces of insulation and dust on them and the chalkboard detached from the wall due to the ferocity of the noise and subsequent earthquake-like effects.
All students taking class in the Weitz during the bathroom explosion were reportedly forced to evacuate to Central Park and conduct the remainder of class outside to escape the stinky fallout. When we asked one student what the experience was like, they loudly shouted “WHAT DID YOU SAY?” showing the ongoing repercussions of this event.
The noise stunned students and staff alike across campus and brought awareness to the seriousness of the gastrointestinal effects of the Burton coffee machine.
Other students were empowered to speak out about similar effects of the machine. A group of students personally impacted by the machine formed the Burton Coffee Machine Awareness Group (BCMAG) following the explosion. “We want people to be aware of the seriousness of drinking from the machine,” the BCMAG president said in a statement. The group aims at creating a welcoming environment for students and faculty impacted by the machine and spreading awareness across campus.
In response to the explosion, Burton and LDC staff shut down the machines. BCMAG hopes to deck the machines in signs reading “THINK BEFORE YOU DRINK” as staff reopens the machines this week.