Before diving into this, let me preface this with my goal: to help you find your person. Yes, this needs to be said, because contrary to popular belief, seeing multiple people can actually be a path to finding a meaningful relationship. The stigma surrounding those who see more than one person at a time – especially at Carleton – is often unfair and misguided. Words like “player” are commonly thrown around, but this part of casually dating deserves a shift in perspective. Seeing multiple people isn’t just a way to explore your options – it can also promote healthier, long-term relationships. 

Why is seeing multiple people frowned upon at Carleton? It’s common at larger schools and in cities, but here we tend to be serial monogamists. One of the most basic, yet significant reasons is proximity. In many ways, Carleton is similar to a small town. We all live and operate within a stone’s throw of one another, constantly seeing each other around campus. This closeness means you’re likely to encounter the people you’re seeing – or others they know – frequently. Seeing someone frequently can make things feel more serious earlier on, even if there was no intention for that level of commitment right away. It’s hard to say no to hanging out when there are no barriers. The casual dating vibe just doesn’t seem to last as long here. Moreover, proximity can lead to gossip, judgment and misunderstandings, amplifying any negative perceptions. Everything is intertwined and when social circles overlap heavily, people tend to be more aware of each other’s relationships, whether they intend to be or not. This lack of anonymity can create pressure to define relationships sooner or discourage casual dating altogether. Everyone knowing everyone means any drama or conflict gets magnified. And as one of my best friends puts it, Carleton students love to create drama for the sake of drama. It’s harder to casually date when it feels like your every move is under a microscope of high school gossip. We promote supporting each other in every other aspect of life, but at times it can feel as if we are being judged for every action we make romantically, even if that is simply choosing to be single. The most casual relationship I know of at Carleton, where both people were open to seeing others, involved the couple meeting mostly at night and keeping their relationship hidden to avoid gossip and still be perceived as single to the public. Ironically, their relationship has turned out to be one of the healthiest relationships here.

I think another reason we’ve developed such a strong social expectation that monogamous dating is the only right answer is because we promote marriage as the ultimate goal. For such a liberal school, we hold a surprisingly conservative view on relationships. The phrase “Carls marry Carls” makes dating at Carleton feel like a serious commitment from the start. For god’s sake, we have something called the Carleton Marriage Pact, where you’re literally matched with one person who’s supposed to be your ideal partner. If that doesn’t promote monogamy, I don’t know what does. While it’s wonderful that so many Carls do end up marrying each other, we often forget that it’s shared values and genuine connection that build those relationships, not just the institution of monogamy itself. 

There is a right way to do this. When done openly and honestly, seeing multiple people is just another healthy part of the dating process. But when lying or manipulation is involved, that’s when you’re in the wrong. Dishonesty not only hurts others but can also create a toxic dating culture. Being honest is at the forefront of any relationship. 

Honesty and letting your true self shine through is one of the reasons I believe dating multiple people can be healthy. We all know the pressures that come with meeting someone. We’ve all sat there, typing out a text in our notes app for an hour. Not only is this unhealthy, but in the end, that text often doesn’t reflect who you truly are. When you’re seeing multiple people, it alleviates the pressure of texting one person, because you don’t have the time to spend hours crafting the perfect message for everyone you’re talking to. This allows you to be more authentic in your communication.

This also ties into the bigger picture: balancing conversations with different people can help create healthier expectations. It prevents you from pouring all your emotional energy into one person from the start. Sure, you may end up texting one person more than others, which can reveal something about your growing feelings, but you’re not dependent on any one person’s response. If someone decides to stop seeing you, you’re less reliant on that single relationship. When seeing one person, the end of that relationship can feel heavier than that relationship or person deserves, making it harder to move on and find the right person.

In the same vein of finding the right person, dating multiple people allows you to understand what you want in a relationship. Many of us simply say, “I want a boyfriend or girlfriend,” which is fine – but it’s also really broad. You need to look deeper. By dating multiple people, you gain a clearer sense of what you like and don’t like in a potential partner, both sexually and emotionally. You’re not just settling for the person because they seem like the only option. It encourages you to think more consciously about what qualities truly matter to you in a relationship.  One of the biggest red flags I notice is when I ask someone what they like about their partner, and they either give a superficial answer like “their smile” or, even worse, have no real answer at all. This should be a detailed and thoughtful response, because relationships are intricate and complex – or at least they should be. 

When it comes time to make a decision, you can feel more confident in that choice – whether it’s positive or negative. By seeing multiple people, you give yourself the opportunity to take things at a natural pace, allowing more time to truly get to know someone. You learn about their values, how they handle various situations, how they respond to conflict, and how they respond when you say you need to study, sleep, or see friends. In the end, this is what it all boils down to: dating multiple people gives you the space to have more serious, meaningful conversations with each person. And that’s what really builds a strong bond between two people.

You want to find someone who will support you at your lowest and celebrate you at your highest. By giving it more time, you get to see them during both their high and low moments, and they get to see you at yours. Dating isn’t just about two weeks or even two months – it’s potentially about two lives coming together. Make sure you understand the core of your relationship before committing to it.