People rush into relationships, especially during freshman year – not necessarily with the right person, but often with the first person. This phenomenon is not everyone’s story, but it applies to most of us. Ask any senior if they’re still with their freshman-year boyfriend or girlfriend. Most will laugh and say no. Why? Well, sometimes that’s just how relationships go, a lot end. Others come to realize that they chose someone who perhaps wasn’t the best fit for them. We are living on a campus of 2,000 people, it’s easy to settle for less than you deserve. It’s easy to sacrifice your time for someone who is not worth it, but that shouldn’t be the standard that we hold ourselves to. No one should go into a relationship because it is convenient or “kinda fits”. So this fall, don’t settle for convenience. Know your worth and give your time to those who truly earn it.

Freshman fall is a whirlwind of nerves, excitement and fears all mixed together. You’re navigating uncharted waters, experiencing a newfound freedom that invites experimentation and testing of boundaries. Everything feels new and stressful, with the intensity dialed up to eleven. Meaning, when you connect with someone, either emotionally or physically, it can feel like a drug. You’re chasing a feeling of connection, a sense of belonging that was missing at the start, while running away from your fears that you brought with you to Northfield. Even if you’re making friends, that deep connection only comes with time. You’re chasing that feeling of belonging because, truthfully, it’s much better to feel wanted than alone. 

For people who are secure in their relationships, those relationships are important, but they don’t feel the need to be connected at all times. In college, the constant need to connect often stems from an inability to ignore FOMO (“fear of missing out”). If you can be comfortable by yourself, it becomes easier to determine whether you’re truly happy with the person you’re with—after all, FOMO often stems from unhappiness. The idea that there is always something better out there (whether in the world or just on campus) is a dangerous one.

While I could sit on my soapbox and simply say, “Stop paying so much attention to what others are doing,” that doesn’t really help. Most of us care about status in some aspect of our lives, and to some extent, it does matter. Building connections is important too, and completely ignoring that is a mistake—one I even fell into during my freshman year. But before you look outward, you need to look inward. 

The constant thoughts of missing out make you feel like you have less, as though everyone else is living in a movie—having the best conversations, the best sex, and the best time of their lives. But that’s not the reality, and comparing your life to your illusions is like an average singer comparing their career to Taylor Swift’s—it’s never going to look good. So, stop focusing on the grand allure of missing out and start paying attention to yourself. Those chasing others are running away from themselves.

You have to be selfish — a word that’s often frowned upon, especially at Carleton. Your time is precious. Value time with friends, value time studying, value time alone -– just value yourself. Because those will be the building blocks for a healthy relationship. By knowing yourself, you are better able to understand what you want in someone else. Your sense of self provides a framework for what you desire. We all have different checklists for what we seek in a love interest, but by looking within, you’ll know what your checklist is. I’m not talking about surface-level traits like shared favorite colors, but whether your values, what drives you, and the deeper parts of yourself align. These are the pillars of a relationship — not whether you like the same TV shows or have the same coffee order. Those things change. Just ask Little Joy: my coffee used to have way less caffeine and way more milk. Interests are great, but values are undefeated. Interests can be learned, and if the right person wants to know you, they will take the time to learn what you care about. They will ask, they will learn, and they will show their commitment to you. They will earn your time.

Don’t tolerate the gimmicks and games many 18-22 year-olds think they can get away with: the not-so-subtle texts to watch movies every night, the hot-and-cold behavior they show in person or their lack of confidence to say hi in public. These behaviors are common, but they’re wrong. The saying, “If they wanted to, they would,” is simple but true — because let’s be honest, they would. You don’t have time for someone who doesn’t know what they want. Every second spent with the wrong person is a second lost from finding the right one.