Earlier this week, the Carleton Student Association (CSA) voted unanimously to approve a new and controversial campus event. This event was so controversial that the CSA minutes showed 90% of the meeting time over the last month was dedicated to it, explaining the state of literally everything else on campus. From now on, on a weekly basis, $500 will be withdrawn from the CSA surplus funds and gathered in a pyre on the Bald Spot where it will be set alight in a public display for the student body. CSA predicts a small increase of about $7-12 in the annual CSA activity fee, which they view as incredibly worthwhile given the excitement they expect this event to generate on campus. It is unknown whether President Byerly or a carved idol of the President will be present, as it was unclear from the minutes themselves as sent out in the weekly agenda (the secretary appears to have failed in their role as much of the discussion regarding this approval is marked with the phrase “They talked about it some more”). The timing of this event will not be disclosed to the student body in advance, and anyone wishing to apply for a job lighting the money on fire will have to sign an extensive safety waiver.
When pressed for further information by our reporters, many CSA officials declined to comment, citing that they had not read the proposal and had no memories of the meetings whatsoever, but would consider looking into it as soon as they were bored. The senator who introduced this proposal, Cena Tur, argued that the proposal brought important value to the campus. “We waste money on far more useless things like paying our secretary, and Sproncert to name a few. I think this shows real commitment to our philosophy at CSA; our money wasting is not a side-effect of wanting to bring the student populace together, it’s the goal of our entire organization. And I think we should be able to celebrate that goal publicly, that nothing is a waste of money and we’ll approve everything so long as it brings the student populace together”. SAO has declined to formally comment on the approval of this event at the time of writing, though inside sources claim that concerns were raised about the revenue stream the Bald Spot generates and how this new event would negatively impact it given the new refurbishments to the area.
A vocal opponent of the proposal was the Sustainability Office, since the scale and regularity of the money burning would roll back much of Carleton’s efforts at carbon neutrality. In response, CSA passed an additional amendment to compost (or recycle, if their microplastic composition is too high) at least one student per week coinciding with the money burning in order to remain carbon neutral as per the Strategic Plan. The student will be selected at random out of the students who live in Musser, as it would be considered a humane euthanization compared to having to continue to live there. For a small fee, students living in Myers can opt into the compost lottery – it’s not so bad to live in, but the residents are all just kinda weird.
We interviewed several students about this polarizing new proposal promptly, with opinions varying from tired indifference to vocal support and hostility for the event, sometimes at the same time. “Please leave me alone, I am literally in the middle of dissecting a rat”, said one student when asked for comment. “As long as they keep the withdrawn amount consistent with inflation, I mean that money is gone anyways if we let it sit in the CSA fund account. Might as well make a spectacle out of it. A performance, some grills and we’re all set”, said a particularly hungry Studio Art major. “But what about the consequences for the government as an institution? Money has value because we believe it does and if we just burn i–”, noted an annoying Poli Sci major shortly before being concussed by a frisbee. They have since recovered fully and switched majors, saving themselves from mandatory composting in the nick of time.
No matter what one’s perspective may be on this event, it is sure to draw eyes and bodies to the pyre that is already being constructed in the middle of the Bald Spot. Security is keeping an eye on suspicious reports of Religion majors potentially planning to re-enact a crucifixion three days before the event, but these rumors are as of yet unconfirmed, though they may have been baptized.
