As finals draw nearer, Carleton students are all too aware of the stresses of preparing for Thanksgiving with family and maintaining a routine of personal grooming. Recognizing the damaging effects this extreme stress could have, the office of Student Health and Counseling (SHAC) has released a set of ten tried-and-true tips to improve students’ sleep quality. These tips are reprinted word-for-word below.

1. Reconsider your coffee intake. Caffeine is well known for its stimulative effect, and you may be overdoing it. If you’re looking for a healthy, all natural alternative, try replacing every cup of coffee you drink with three cans of Bubbl’r. This will boost your energy without affecting your sleep. We are excited to announce that SHAC has entered into a partnership with the Burton basement vending machines to bring you exciting new flavors for a slight price increase of 25%.
2. If you can’t seem to shake an unhealthy sleep schedule, simply start pulling all-nighters, one after the other. Then, the night before your exam, go to bed at around 11 p.m. and don’t set an alarm. That way you can really catch up on that sleep debt!
3. Do you wake up every morning with a headache? Maybe you aren’t spending enough time on your phone before bed. 30 more minutes of Instagram could cure you. We can’t say. We’re not healthcare professionals.
4. If your roommate turns on their lamp while doing their evening routine and you are already in bed trying to sleep, simply get up and turn it off every time they turn around or leave the room. Then, jump back into bed and pretend you are asleep. This exercise will help tire you out, and when you wake up, you’ll still have leftover adrenaline ready to go. We are healthcare professionals, so trust me on this.
5. Too cold to sleep? If you open your heart to Jesus Christ, he will keep you warm.
6. If you’re really worried about failing that one paper, you may find yourself frantically working on it all night every night. If this afflicts you, remember that it’s never too late to drop a class, no matter what the college handbook says. With this simple trick, it can all go away: once you’re sure there’s no hope for a passing grade and the deadline is almost here, bribe a friend who works in the registrar’s office to delete all data pertaining to the class. All your stress will be gone, and we guarantee you’ll be sleeping like a baby in no time. Plus, this way you can endear yourself to all of your classmates, who really didn’t want to go through the stress of getting a grade back.
7. Is the rigorous academic quarter schedule getting you down? Are you too busy studying for your eighth- and ninth-week midterms to sleep? Do you spend every waking moment on your endless work? Consider transferring to a different college or university. If you do take this advice, SHAC is owed a commission equal in value to the difference in tuition between Carleton and your new institution, every year, for the rest of your life. We accept payment through cash or Venmo (@tabithaj21).
8. Maybe take a midnight walk to Burton to get some fresh air. As part of our partnership, when you buy a Bubbl’r from the basement’s state-of-the-art vending machines, you can get a free piece of life advice. In fact, thanks to our recent efforts to transplant human sentience into the machines, they think up the advice all on their own! And who doesn’t love a midnight sweet treat? Please note that SHAC is not responsible for any side effects of following advice given by vending machines, including falling hopelessly in love with that one special vending machine and being possessed by the machines to commit crimes.
9. If you try all these and still can’t shake those concerns about family Thanksgiving that are keeping you up all night, you may find yourself able to sleep better on a chair. Specifically, try a bus seat as you journey out west to change your name, abandon your former self and start a new life. If you are originally from the west, try melatonin.
10. If you are overwhelmed by the total calmness of your brain as you lay in bed, try reliving your most embarrassing moments from the week. If that doesn’t work to put you to sleep, try imagining how much more manageable each of those situations would have been if you had had a cool, refreshing can of Bubbl’r in your hand. You’ll nod off in a flash.

If these tips don’t work for you, you can access #10-15 and other helpful resources through SHAC’s new subscription service, mySHAC Premium, set to debut during Winter Term. Benefits of this service include a 10% discount on most products, such as any bandages purchased at the time of mandatory vaccine appointments*, and intensely personal forms about your life and insecurities for you to enjoy completing before any appointments. 

*This discount does not apply to any band-aids with fun designs on them, such as Hello Kitty or Scooby-Doo. SHAC is not responsible for your foreknowledge of this if you accept Hello Kitty band-aids when we offer them to you. It also obviously does not apply to Ace bandages or reception candy.