Who I am and Why I’m Running

Hello folks, in case you haven’t heard of me, I thought I would introduce myself. I am the fabled Monster of Goodhue who haunts the hall. Most of us monsters have a dream of one day being involved in politics, and my role model monster is former Speaker of the House Paul Ryan—he’s who has inspired several of us monsters to run for office. I want to be your CSA president because I feel gaining experience selling out and menacing Carleton would prepare me for living out my dream of menacing and selling out the country. 

Goals and Initiatives

Making Carleton a more welcoming environment for all

One of the defining characteristics of this school is that it is small. I have deduced that this is due to an unwelcoming environment, something I have personally experienced. I think that to make Carleton a truly magical place for all, we must be more welcoming as a campus. For example, if I want to be welcomed into your room, I think that you should be more welcoming to me, and let me into your room. In fact, we should really focus on becoming a campus without walls, like that school in DC. It’s not that hard, the exclusivity culture here is toxic and non-essential. 

Saving you money and time and making your life easy

Being a monster, I have obviously chosen to major in Economics (with a minor in Public Policy of course). So to explain this, you should think of me as a product and your vote as money because it’s power. I will be saving you money in terms of vending machines (which you can steal from with a modified coat hanger), laundry funds and local liquor tax. So when you vote for me, you actually make a positive return on the money your vote represents to me. Investing in me is like investing in GameStop like a month ago, not risky at all and with a positive CAPM alpha value. This is what we like to call Political Economy. If that didn’t make any sense to you that’s okay because CSA will never actually make sense to people or be transparent.

Other Vague Bullshit

Blah blah blah Cultural Groups. Blah blah blah Social Activism. Blah blah blah listening to our constituents. Blah blah blah expanding SHAC. Blah blah blah graduation requirements. Blah blah blah involvement. 

My activities on campus

CSA Budget Committee

Being a monster, I am naturally attracted to power and money, and so the budget committee just made sense. Working there has given me special and exclusive insight into how it works, what makes it tick and what it stands for. I will outline in more detail in a moment (or not, I don’t feel responsible to fulfill my promises). 

Some org where I don’t do anything

I was part of a group that advocated for the administration to change something, and eventually it happened. It could be the laundry stuff, it could be pretzels returning to Sayles. (Actually let’s do laundry, it’s the one thing CSA has done that you can remember.) Either way that was all me. Obviously it may be possible to infer that I had some help, but as this is my platform I will only be mentioning myself. 

Closing Remarks

Everyone else sucks. Even as a monster, I can still think of at least one candidate I am more relatable than. Remember Carls, democracy is really important, it lets YOU decide which monster will be selling you out and menacing you!