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The Carletonian

The Carletonian

Missed DVD Fest? All movies reviewed here

< you not make it to DVD Fest? Were you not lucid enough to remember the films? Either way, we can help you figure out which movies you’ll want to watch online.

We’ve taken time to give a one or two line review of each and every movie. From the very worst to the very best, it’s all here. So listen close, friends, because here we go:

How to Make a DVD Fest Movie: Obviously the best movie made since Citizen Kane, as told by a totally unbiased source.

Late Night Trivia Press Conference: A clever way to advertise something?

Edward Fingerhands: Austin’s first. All right, this was funny.

Mememory: Austin’s second. He forgot that climax and resolution are part of a plot.

Life at the Olin Outpost: Plus: Choreographed dance. Minus: Too much skin and leather.

Winter Pirates: Scurvy of the North: “Ultra-rare?” Aren’t these things called Vikings?

Drugs or Chalk: It was really just perfect. Good job on your third, Austin.

:):):):): Exactly how much smoke did you crack before making this?

Eternal Struggle: Vaudeville meets ACME meets the struggle for gay marriage.

Carls of Paradise: Took awhile to set up, but became incredibly funny.

Leitmotif: Visually stunning, but unfulfilling ending. Plus, you get to see Austin for a fourth time!

Titanic: Eccentrically entertaining. Narwhals? Big plus.

Single: Fantastic. Welcome to Carleton, where it sucks to be Mike Kern.

SUC: American Gladiators meets the Duke lacrosse team.

“Paperwork”: “It” was done well, but I don’t what “it” was.

Heroic: Zombies. I love zombies.

SWA Stall: A Love Story: Bathroom-love meets Brokeback Mountain. Ah, Carleton.

They Call Him Jabir: A solid movie. Avi’s body hair proves that he’s a real man.

You Look Like I Need a Drink: (Collective grimace). We’re never drinking again.

Super Awesome: The Animated Series: Did someone say Final Cut Pro?

The Hearth: This didn’t make any sense at all. And also, you’re mean to your cat.

Behind Closed Doors: Kicking ass and taking names. New Res Life policy?

Let Me Live: Girls are mean and it still sucks to be Mike Kern.

Planet Earth: Northfield: Funny, but you could’ve taken the satire a step further.

Arms of Mine: I keep a butcher knife in my bathroom cupboard, too. But it did serve a purpose: it made us want to drink again.

Passed Out Sam: Clever, unique, and fun. Ditch the muscle atrophy, though (what a downer).

‘Til I find Somebody Else: Good movie, but ideas obviously based on (or stolen from) 2005’s
Friday Flowers and 2007’s Greg Coulter’s Search for Love. Saved by incredible acting. Judges’ annual “feel-good” winner.

In Dreams Begin Responsibility: Thanks for wasting five minutes of our lives. At least in :):):):) we knew they were on drugs. The judges’ annual “this makes no sense and was probably stolen from experimental films from the 1980’s but they used lots of colors so I guess it’s all right” winner.

Captain Rork and the Professor’s Map: What do you say about this? Everyone loves laser battles and space ships, but not everyone knows how to make them. A bit unfair to the other teams who don’t know how to use Final Cut Pro. Impressive acting helped it, but without the special effects there simply was no plot.

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