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The Carletonian

US Government falls after nobody votes in presidential election

US Government falls after nobody votes in presidential election

FiveThirtyEight forecasted that Joe Biden would win the presidency. Several mysterious pundits heralded a surprise Trump victory. Alas, no outlet, pundit, or model could have foretold the 2020 presidential election’s outcome. 

At approximately 7:01 PM, every single state went gray after certifying their unanimous winner—no one. For the first time in American history since the Lay’s Potato Chip Flavor Bracket, not a single United States citizen cast a vote. A visibly shaken Wolf Blitzer announced a surprise 3-day marathon of The Office instead of election coverage.

As the United States government collapsed upon itself, the Bald Spot’s team of political reporters took to the streets to make sense of this impending catastrophe. For some non-voters, such as Northfield resident Omar Cochran, the free world ends not with a bang but with a laugh:

“Man, really? You serious? That is crazy. You know, I was gonna write in Bernie. Can you imagine? [laughs] But, yeah. Just didn’t wanna have to choose between the lesser of two evils.”

Next, we visited Cochran’s neighbors, the Bellamys, who have a Biden-Harris sign in their yard. “What? No, no, you can’t be serious,” Carina Bellamy said, a glass of iced tea trembling in her hand. “He was supposed to—GERALD! Why the hell didn’t you vote? You had three months!”

“I thought you said you was gonna vote!” a kitchen-bound voice thundered back.

“No, Gerald! You know, I really wish you would listen to me more often. I ask you to do one darn thing, and now the government has fallen!”

“So what about the damn government? You wore that same skirt with the flowers on it to the Birnbaums’ three nights in a row!”

One anonymous student we passed on the way to town told us, “I saw all these get-out-the-vote posts all over Instagram, so I was like ‘Yeah, okay, our democracy’s gonna live to fight another day.’ I guess—I guess it’s not gonna, huh.”

“I didn’t even go to the Electoral College. My SAT was too low,” another student chimed in.

Putting the public behind us, the Bald Spot’s election analysis team embarked on the long drive to the heart of Washington D.C., where the mood was stoic and, in fact, non-existent. It was out behind the Capitol where we encountered a moving sight: a dark-suited procession, its members disproportionately wealthy, white, male, and elderly, standing before a solemn bonfire.

Slender flames—rendered sour by the kindling of campaign contributions—cowered before Mitch McConnell’s hollow eyes. “Without the votes that sustain me, it is only a matter of time before I am called back to the earth that rejected me,” he stated grimly.

Newly-former House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi concurred. “Come, join us,” she intoned, “for Congress is adjourned, and a Congressman separated from his Congress is driftwood separated from its stoic tree. So let us drift downstream into the great beyond.” 

At that, the Congress uprooted itself and marched into the distance until they became indistinguishable from the lobbyists they once were. We heard the Potomac River gurgling angrily down the drain and the Washington Memorial retracting, with a grumble, into the earth. 

A prison-striped man cackled through the National Mall with the Lincoln Memorial riding piggyback. Who could stop him? There were no more democratically-elected county sheriffs.

President Trump, for his part, has not been seen in public since Election Night, leading some to speculate that he intends to exit public life. 

The only clue he has given us was a tweet from 12:38 AM early this morning: “OVAL OFFICE DOORS CAN FIT HOSE BUT NOT INNER TUBE? PRESIDENTIAL HARASSMENT, VERY SAD!” 

If you glance out the window just as the sun completes its descent, you may very well see the procession of 535 marching onward—free from their dark money into the darker night.

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