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The Carletonian

Breaking: Feds seize Hunter Biden’s DS

Mere days before millions of Americans go to cast their ballots in the 2020 presidential election, a new development threatens to shake up the race, as developments often do.

FBI authorities recently seized an orange Nintendo DS thought to belong to longtime infant-consumer with satanic characteristics Hunter Biden. The device was allegedly discovered in the bathroom of a Delaware Denny’s. Approximately seven years after stumbling upon it, the manager gave the device to President Trump’s legal counsel Rudy Giuliani. 

“This is the single most monumental event in human history,” Trump campaign manager Bill Stepien said. “Now that we’ve confirmed that this DS belonged to Hunter Biden, it is clear that President Trump has the superior policies.” 

While it is not currently public knowledge what exactly “DS” stands for, the Bald Spot has found that the system was absolutely festooned with suspicious content. For instance, Hunter Biden used a chatting application known only as “Pictochat” to communicate with Chinese, Russian, Ukrainian, and even some American officials. 

One conversation with the user “Joe30330” transpires as follows: Hunter Biden asks, “daadddddd what r we havin 4 dinner?? im HUNGERY :C can we have pizza ? :)” followed by what FBI authorities have identified as a crude drawing of a pizza. “Joe30330” responds, “a q a a A g Sorry cant work. Screen    Son we are having salmon remember…” Biden abruptly ends the chat seconds after receiving this message.

Some speculate that this exchange may establish a link between Hunter Biden and the Pizzagate conspiracy theory. Still, perhaps the most troubling exchange occurred between Biden and the user “JustAGuyFromUkraine.” 

Biden opens with a drawing of a stick figure holding a disproportionately-sized moneybag. He continues, “THANK U 4 THE COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF MONEY! :DDD What do u think I should buyyyyy? :O.” “JustAGuyFromUkraine” responds, “Hunter, I only gaved you the 1000 hryvnias so you could purchase Pokemon white because I have pokemon black and you have to have the game too so we can trade pokemons. DO NOT MISUSE.” 

It should also be noted that one could easily use Pictochat to send illicit photos of minors, provided one draws them first. 

Also present inside of Hunter Biden’s DS was a cartridge marked “New Super Mario Bros.” Fox News’s Tucker Carlson weighed in on this matter in a segment last week: “It’s a sort of interactive game depicting an Italian national seizing hundreds upon hundreds of coins that, in all likelihood, belonged to the taxpayers. Sound familiar? It should, because it’s almost exactly what Hunter’s dad Joe has promised to do to our country. Among other things, the game promotes monarchy, murder, and illegal drug use—one thing Hunter Biden is definitely fond of and two things he probably is. And then, of course, there’s the ‘New’ in the title. Because that’s how the left likes to draw you in. They’ll tell you ‘Oh, it’ll be new this time, nothing bad will happen.’ But no matter which false idol they’re worshipping today, whether it’s Mario, Mussolini, or Stalin, the outcome is always the same.”

Currently, no new developments in the Biden-Ukraine-Nintendo scandal have occurred as the true scope of Hunter Biden’s video game collection remains unknown. When asked for a comment, Hunter Biden remarked, “Oh shit, you guys found it? Can I have it back? I had Mario on that thing.” 

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