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The Carletonian

The Carletonian

Carleton Puritans unveil “@CarlsRepress” Instagram account

The recently-launched @CarlsConfess Instagram page has granted Carleton students—and possibly some masquerading St. Olaf students—a pulpit from which to bare their best-kept secrets under the pretense of complete anonymity. In practice, this means that the internet now has access to a digital library of dubious collegiate sex stories set in nearly every place on campus. 

In these unprecedented and apparently sexually charged times, the Carleton Puritans, one of Carleton College’s oldest religious associations, have taken matters into their own hands with the creation of @CarlsRepress, the first Instagram page dedicated explicitly to publicly denying one’s experiences. The account is still in its fledgling stages, but it already shows promise: scrolling through its posts, each one marked with a golden cross, one gains a glimpse into exactly what Carls have apparently not been doing. 

“I did NOT, in fact, have a sex dream about a guy in one of my classes,” one post reads, “nor would I ever, EVER engage in premarital intercourse upon this campus. I hereby recant all statements I might have made on @CarlsConfess. They were not true and will never become true.”

The posts continue along these lines. “Previously, at a decidedly less holy time in my life, I insinuated to the heathen folks of Instagram that I once got drunk and almost drowned in the Cannon river. I vehemently and categorically deny that this ever happened. Rest assured, the day so much as a sip of White Claw passes my lips will be the day the devil’s Red Claw severs my head.” 

“I apologize to our Lord for claiming to have defecated in the Arb as a prospective student. I would never desecrate His gorgeous creation so severely. Once again, I did not defecate in the Arb. I did not. Never. Not once. Please believe me. I would never.”

The president of the Carleton Puritans, speaking to us under condition of anonymity, expressed their pride in the growing account. “The degree of hedonism evident in these ‘confessions’ has no place on a campus of purity,” they explained. “With the introduction of @CarlsRepress, we hope to offer these unfortunate souls the chance to denounce their sins, that they might be redeemed. In fact, I will not hesitate to admit to you that I was one of the first posters on @CarlsConfess, but I have seen the light now,” they winked. “I assure you, I have never done anything on the Weitz couches besides sitting.”

If you, too, seek to deny your sins, @CarlsRepress continues to seek submissions. 

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