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The Carletonian

The Carletonian

Local uncharted waters report feeling overshadowed


LOCATION UNKNOWN— A local river, which has never been explored by a single soul, reported Sunday feeling “overshadowed.” 

The river has existed since before even the first humans, but nobody has ever dipped a toe into its temperate waves, let alone included it on a single map. It lies some 50 miles from the nearest town, which seems like it would be close enough that someone would have stumbled upon it at some point. But in fact, the river has never been traversed. Though likely glimpsed by passersby, nobody, in all of human history, has ever been curious about what its waters belie. 

“I don’t know, I just, being uncharted was kind of my thing,” said the uncharted waters. “It’s literally my whole name, because since no one’s ever discovered me, they never named me. I am uncharted waters. You hear me? That’s who I am, and I’m proud of it.”

“This coronavirus pandemic is changing the world, yeah, I get it,” continued the uncharted waters. “But would it kill people to speak a little more precisely? Must they use such metaphorical language? ‘Uncharted waters,’ really? I mean, they’re not living in the water. The virus is spreading among people on land. Do people not realize that? I am uncharted waters. If the whole world, everyone’s entire collective existence, becomes ‘uncharted waters,’ then what am I? Just some fucking creek?”

The uncharted waters seemed as if to look inward, equal parts morose and afraid. 

The uncharted waters noted that they take less issue with the phrasing itself than with its ubiquity. “What really gets me isn’t that they’re using the phrase. Pre-pandemic, it has always been something of a ‘saying.’ I get that. But every day? I mean, literally, every few minutes, someone somewhere remarks contemplatively upon the ‘uncharted waters’ their family, or their corporation, or their youth softball league is navigating. I’m not even kidding, the other day, two dudes walked right by me, and I heard one of them saying to the other: ‘These are uncharted waters, Jeffrey.’ I was like—helloooo, I’m RIGHT HERE!” 

The uncharted waters grew visibly upset, and then shook their head and sat up straight, seeming to rein in their emotions. 

“I don’t even care,” said the uncharted waters with a scoff. “I just think it’s kind of ironic, is all.” 

At press time, nearby uncharted territory reported similar feelings.

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