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The Carletonian

The Carletonian

The Carletonian

Killing the Quirk

In Carleton’s last-ditch attempt to prepare graduating seniors for life after college, Elizabeth Allen-Dodson is launching a new six-step program for Spring Term seniors: The Bullying Initiative. Allen-Dodson believes that her program will create “resilient and well-adjusted young adults, who will be very hireable after participating in her program.”

The final and most controversial aspect of this program is the Bully Squad that Allen-Dodson sees as a vital component to ensuring success after graduation. Recruiting baseball athletes, Political Science first-years, and Cujokra’s rejects, these specialized students will watch cult films like Heathers, Mean Girls, and Carrie to analyze and discuss efefctive one-liners as well as long-term bullying techniques to form Carleton’s Bully Squad. Each senior enrolled in Allen-Dodson’s six-step program will get two to three bullies to torment them for 6-10 weeks, depending on the level of intensity desired from the program.

In anticipation of the launch of The Bullying Initiative, Allen-Dodson has conducted several sociological experiments at local middle schools and early high school classrooms to determine which bullying tactics “make kids less annoying, quicker.” She is confident that her methods, while unorthodox, will yield significant results.

The Bullying Initiative, while seemingly harsh on first glance, supports the philosophies of other Carleton students who were bullied in their early years. Arlo Hettle (Armpit, Iowa) laments about the exponential increase of weird incoming students. “There’s this dude who lies down shirtless in the lounge’s kitchen countertop. Sometimes he sleep there. Some people were never bullied, and it shows.”

Allen-Dodson hopes to have The Bullying Initiative up and unning by the Spring of 2020. If you’re interested in signing up for the program, either to be a bully or get bullied, stop by her office to chat!

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