Dear Carleton Community,

This year, Carleton saw exactly zero applicants. Rumor among highschool seniors is that Carleton is no longer “fun” or “a place to party,” and that “a guy really just can’t find any weed no matter how much power he has over the school.” Over the last several years, my administration has attempted to create a safe and welcoming environment free from peer pressure and toxic influences. It is clear, however, that this plan has backfired.

It’s clear that we need to make some serious changes around here. In recognition of this misstep, I have sent this list of guidelines among senior staff to become effective immediately. Additionally, I have decided I have become too involved in the bureaucratic life of administration. I’ve decided to lay back a little bit, dust off the old glass, and see where this new path takes me.

1. Prospies must be hosted by someone who will show them a fun time. In order to host a prospie, students are now required to engage in a, as they say, “ripping of the bong” while listening to The Grateful Dead with me, the College President, to prove that they can, as they say, “hang.”
2. In order to live at “the house with the porch,” students will be required to sign a binding legal agreement stating that Wednesdays will be party days a minimum of seven nights a term. Failure to comply will result in eviction from this special interest house and expulsion from the school. Students must also “toke that ganj” and listen to “the dead” with me, the College President.
3. All plans to remove Farm have been cancelled effective immediately. Farm House will now become a communal group living facility home to new clubs “Tie Dye and Marijuana Enthusiasts,” The “We definitely don’t grow weed for College President” Club, and the “Vinyl is just so much better, man” men (accepting of all genders and sexual orientations). Farm House will also be granted an additional 100 acres of Arb land and additional water and energy allowances in order to accommodate the land needs of their new clubs.
4. A& Is will be removed, and students will instead be required to attend mandatory drum circle and communal singing sessions in the arb in order to get more in touch with nature. Really feel the breeze, man. Far out.
   I truly believe, with, like, all my heart, that this will make Carleton a better place to go to school. Next year we’re gonna have so many applicants. Can you imagine it? Students all over the arb, enjoying nature, listening to papa Jerry Garcia and the Boys, just living life. Man that just makes me so happy I could cry. Maybe I’ll go have another brownie.