I feel morally obligated to tell you at the very start of this article that this is not for people who want a relationship and are not in one. If you are in that situation, I have a one word guide for relationships at Carleton: don’t. Now if you are unfortunate enough to be in a situation of “exclusive,” “a thing,” “casually dating,” or one of the many other dead-souled terms for the godforsaken limbo between married and single many occupy, then this guide applies to you. This will be done in a series of 10 questions.
◉ Question 1: Could you get with someone taller? This is an important question because God in her infinite wisdom decided regret should be a thing.
◉ Question 2: Could they get with someone who possesses more tenacity? Be realistic here, I know everyone looks for different things and all but come on social consensus is still a thing, that’s how we generate systems of ethics. These kinds of mismatches can cause some serious problems down the road. A sufficient substitute for this is their snap score.
◉ Question 3: In what year did Hal Incandenza enroll in Enfield Tennis Academy?
◉ Question 4: What is their favorite Logic song? This is a trick question because no one should ever date a Logic fan.
◉ Question 5: Who are they voting for in the upcoming democratic primary elections? Mayo Pete supporters deserve neither love nor common decency.
◉ Question 6: Are they at all affiliated with horses?
◉ Question 7: Are your kinks compatible? A good way to figure this out by gauging the level of involvement they have had with horses throughout their lives.
◉ Question 8: Are they in the armed forces? There are all sorts of germs and viruses on the group, and you don’t want them getting your mouth when you kiss a bootlicker.
◉ Question 9: Are they on TikTok? You don’t want to be in a relationship with a person who is actively choosing to miss out on the greatest content the internet has to offer.
◉ Question 10: Are they from the East Coast? People from the Hellish Seaboard to our right are incapable of love. Some say it’s the wind. Some say it’s passed down, but we have enough correlation that we can ignore causation.
Once you have answers you are confident in about 8 of these 10 questions then you should have an idea of what you want to be with this person and how much of a relationship you are ready for. Another thing that is important to check is your CoStar compatibility.