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The Carletonian

The Carletonian

The Carletonian

Safe harbor for bay area Students

The Bay Area is unlike any other place in America (thank you, God). Because of this, the people it spits out are a little different. Because it is such a unique part of the country, Bay Area dwellers get used to a lifestyle that most of us can’t readily acclimate to or afford.

Their big body of water is a great temperature regulator to make sure it doesn’t get too hot or cold for them. Minnesota is known for its lakes, and this draws in many Bay Area denizens who think that this will act as an effective substitute for their precious water hole they have decided to name the area after and build a prison in. However, they are wrong and often react negatively to the weather when it drops below 36 degrees. This is only one factor among many that makes living in lesser places difficult for our friends from the expensive parts of Oakland/Berkeley.

Carleton has recognized this and decided to create a suitable habitat for this displaced children in the form of the recently announced “Bay Area Interest House.” This follows with Carleton’s mission to be a welcoming place for people from all sorts of middle to upper class backgrounds.

“It will feel just like living in the Bay Area,” said a Residential Life employee. “We will be demolishing a local affordable housing project and adding the name loft to it somehow. Plus we already have tons of Patagonia everywhere.” They have also declared that this house will cost twice as much to live in, but don’t expect that to be a problem for the Bay Area creatures.

“The house will have everything they need to survive in an unfamiliar environment. This includes but isn’t limited to Original Joe’s food, Sushirito’s, and overpriced bubble tea. We are still trying to figure out what exactly Hunan is.”

Another way Carleton is trying to make these displaced West Coasters feel comfortable is by expanding the CS department and pretending homeless people don’t exist. They hope that raising this will drive up the cost of living in the broader Northfield area, successfully pricing and out all of the locals. Some have likened them to a disease that spreads, killing the host (Austin being the first external victim) and engulfing the world until only overpriced coffee shops with bicycle logos and keep (insert city here) weird shirts remain, which begs the question: when do they turn on themselves?

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